I was peeling the price tag off of a book I bought today. At first, I ripped off the corner fast and furiously, but saw that little pieces of it were still sticking to the book. I then started in on the opposite corner carefully and slowly, and eased the tag off at a steady pace, leaving no residue behind. You can probably see where I'm going with this.
This past week I've gone through some pretty traumatic shit. Like I did with the price tag (and as I do with so many things in my life) I wanted to rush through the recovery processes. I don't want to feel what I need to feel, and take the time to recover in a long and painful way. But the thing is, sometimes that's just way to fully get through something: slow and steady. I need to take time to recover in order to truly get through all the pain and completely heal. I need to give others time to do the same thing. This way we can pull off the price tag all the way, and leave no traces, no unresolved issues, behind.
Of course, unlike the book, there will still be emotional scars and memories that will stay with me forever. However, getting through tragedy is how we can learn, grow, and become better people. So for now, I'll take the time to grieve. I'll be angry, be sad, and be crazy. I'll shout, cry, laugh, make bad jokes, cringe, and cry some more, because by the end (when I'm feeling better) I'll be a better person. I'll realize more of who I am, what I want, and what I'm capable of enduring. But the best thing, unlike the price tag from the book, is that I don't have to do this alone!
It's so hard for me to ask or accept that I need help. I hate needing assistance and always want to do everything on my own. I do, however, usually recognize when I really need help and reluctantly ask. To the detriment of myself and others, when I do need help I want to impose my super-fast method of life on those who are there to assist me. When they don't go at my rushed pace, I get frustrated and immediately start to push them away. This is probably one of the most ridiculous traits I have! That old saying ”don't bite the hand that feeds you” comes to mind. I need to accept that I can't do everything on my own, and let people help me in ways that they can and in the time it takes them. By letting others help me, not imposing my way of doing things on others, and slowing the fuck down I'll be (we'll all be) so much better off!
I still don't know why this happened to me. I still hurt physically and emotionally so much! I still don't know what's going to happen to me from here. However, I know that by slowing down and accepting all the help, love, and support of those who care about me; I'll be just fine.
Thank you,
Eboni
