In recent days, I've not been well. I've had to go through one of the hardest times of my life. Without getting into details, I've tried to figure out why this happened. The thing of it is, there is no WHY. At least no why that I'm going to be able to figure out right now. I'm a big seeker of Why in my life. I always try ti figure out what has happened, how it happened and WHY it happened. I do this, as probably most of us do, to wrap my head around things that are difficult or tragic. I also do it, because I'm a control freak. I want to know the "why" because if I know why, maybe I can do something in the future to prevent it from happening again. However, this is not one of those situations where there even necessarily is a Why. It's just something horrible that happened.
Also in recent days, I've been involved with someone. This involvement I feel is coming to and end, and a big part of the why is due to changes in me. I've been not myself and I feel that a big portion of that has pushed this person away. Again, without getting into details, I'm trying to find the "whys." But what I've realized, maybe more decided is to say fuck it! The only thing I can do is to be me, recover in my own time on my own, and change things I can ACTUALLY control. For me, the three main things about me that I can change are being fat, messy, and needy.
Being fat is pretty much something that I've struggled with and that I've had the hardest time getting motivated to change. I'm not grotesquely obese, but I DO need to lose weight. For health and self-esteem. So, I need to get on it. Gym, hike, bike, swim, dance, whatever it takes. I'm going to set realistic goals for the end of the year, and get started. I'm tired of feeling like my outsides don't match my insides. And, I know what you're thinking, the guy/relationship thing was never as issue (that I know about) that I feel I need to change for relationships to succeed. Rather, this is a great way to release stress and work on something to make me feel better about me in general. If guy is going to not be with me because of a few pounds, fuck him!
Being messy is ridiculous. If you've even been to my place at any time, you know that I'm not the neatest of people. Yeah, I suck. However, this also is something that I can work on to keep my mind busy, and to feel comfortable about myself and my home. I love having people over (even in my tiny place), but when I get depressed, I quite simply don't clean. I don't do anything. This is another activity I think will be good to help be get better, and to not embarrass myself when having people over. I need to be actively keeping up the areas of my life that need maintenance- including my home. I need to take pride in myself and what I own.
Being needy. You may think that this is not a thing that one can work on. It is. I figured out that in the beginning of my tragedy, I was needy, and rightly so. I needed a lot of support and assistance from everywhere. But I feel like I used it as a crutch, and instead of focusing on what I needed to do to get better and stand on my own, I was relying a bit too much on others. That's not fair to other people, and it does me no good in getting better. So, how does one stop being needy? Projects, projects, projects! I'm trowing myself into the above endeavors and also my writing, crocheting, throwing parties, and learning new skills. I need to be selfish right now in that I need to think of doing things for me, and discovering what I want and need instead of worrying about others (especially in the relationship sense).
So, there you have it! The final three resolutions for this year. These are my focus and I will be updating you on how that's working out. I'm also still (and am always) trying to get ahead at work as well, so I'll let you know if there's anything on that front too. Thanks for checking out my blogs. Love you all!
-Eboni
