A Slight Shift

     One of my resolutions is to save $2011 by 2011. Yeah, that's not going to happen... Rather, I think it needs to be altered. I think insead of saving such a high amount, I should save less, but get out if debt... for good.  This is going to be a challenge and has forced some really hard choices. I'm pretty sure I can't afford my apartment anymore. I will have to move back in with my mom for a while. I was taking to my friend, Nikki, and told her I saw this as a defeat our a move backward. But she said that anything I can do to get out if debt us a step forward, and the last thing I want is to be under the thumb of debt collectors. She's right. And as much as I want and have tried to make it on my own, I've made some bad choices and big mistskes money-wise, and I need help.
     The funny thing is, in the grand scheme if debt, I'm not that bad off. The problem is that I'm not making enough to pay things off, and pay for my place, and car, and insurance, and food... You get the picture. I owe $1254 to a shrink that didn't really help me. $1073 for a ticket from 2003 that was originally $403, which they let me renew my license with regardless of it being outstanding and didn't tell me it existed until 2 months ago when I got a ticket for a tail light being out. I owe $900 or so on a loan I took out, $500 to my credit card company, and the monthly expenses of living. The total debt is less than $5000, but it feels like the weight of the world, and that every time I start to pay one thing off another rears its ugly head. 
     So, I'll have one final fun trip (to California). Two more months in my place. Then move in with my mom, at age 34 to try yo get my shit together. People say that it takes courage to ask for help. It doesn't feel like courage, it feels like defeat. Maybe I won't feel that way after a while. Maybe I'll feel better. But right now I feel like I've failed. Like there's some part if me that's inherently damaged. Well, I mean, I know there is. I'm just desperately trying to fix it.
     Hence, the new goal is to get completely out of debt, and save $678 by the end of the year. I think still a noble goal. Of course it will probably change other resolutions as well, such as work, instruments, and travel, but I'll deal with that as it comes....

Better

    I just found out a friend on mine if pregnant with her third child. This should be exciting and happy news but I find myself crying. Bawling, actually.  Not because I want kids myself, but because I feel left behind.     I feel like all my friends are having these great lives. They're getting married, having kids, getting great jobs, starting companies, travelling, or changing the world. And I'm....not. I feel like im behind in the race, and there is no way to catch up. My friends are lawyers, entrepeneurs, mothers, cops, engineers, teachers, artists and film makers and most of them are younger than me. 
     I'm 33 (34 on Apr 2), single, live alone, and have a mediocre entry-level job at a call center (despite having a BA). Although I'd like to think that I have some talent, I'm just remotely good some things here and there.  Just good enough to be entertaining, but not successful. When I stop to look at myself, I think, "is this it!?" And the saddest thing is, this IS it! 
     In spite of being behind, I'm aware that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but what I'm most thankful for are the amazing people I get to call friends. Half the time I have no idea why you want me in your lives!  I'm totally the deadbeat friend. I'm broke all the time, and I'm awful at keeping in touch, and constantly am upset or complaining about something. I know we all feel this way some times, but I feel like this every day. And the worst part is I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I try I can't get any better. I audition, I pay bills, I work, I practice, I date, I apply. But only to end up no further along.  I'm tired.  My heart aches.
     That being said, I'm glad I started this project, and that at least a few if you stop in from time to time to see what's new. But mostly I'm glad that it's forced me to be honest with myself. And though it may seem like a self-loathing, pity-party, rant, it's honestly how I feel. 
       It may seem that I'm being dramatic, or it's it's the looming birthday, or that I need stronger meds, (all of which I've considered), but it's not. It's unabashed soul-searching.  I'm trying everything I can to figure out how not  to feel this way anymore. Which is truly ( I've discovered three months into the project) what this blog, these Resolutions, are all about. How to not be this person. How to become more. How to feel better. How to be. Better.

-eb

The Lull

    As you may have noticed, I haven't posted in a while. Do far my "career" as a blogger has been a bit lack luster. The thing about it is: life is pretty boring! After school, before weddings and kids, there seems to be this lull, where not much happens! We don't meet a lot of new people we don't have finals, dances, sporting events, or extra cirricular events to take part in or talk about. We just have ourselves.
   Yes, that's a bit of an over-generalization, but for the most part it's true. However, I'm going to break the mold. That's really over of the main goals of this project: to escape the lull. To have something to report. So first, an update on where I'm at with the 9:

1. Save $2,012 by 2012
         Uh, this one is not going do well. I think mainly because most of my other resolutions require money!

2. Visit 4 friends or family members who don't live in Portland
          So far this is going well! I visited my darling friend, Bridget in fabulous Pasco, WA in February, and I'm going to visit my friend, Mike in two weeks in sunny San Clemente, CA!  That leaves only two other visits!

3. Be vegetarian for one year at least
      Going VERY well!  There have been time where all I wanted was a burger, but I have refrained. I ferl better and I'm spending way less money on food, and I'm helping the planet! Yay!

4. Re-do apartment and keep it clean
   The apartment is great. It's a but on the dirty side right now, but not so much that I'd be embarassed to have someone over. I still need to get done things to the Goodwill, but I love my place!

5. Mange this blog
     For the most part, had been good as well. Had a bit of a blank period, but I'm back!

6. Learn two new instruments
      So, the cello and the bass are expensive, even used. But I will get them and will learn. I think bass first then cello. We shall see....

7. Volunteer for a charity
     Still have not decided where to volunteer. I'm thinking of the Chuldren's Cancer Association, or Habitat for Humanity. I will choose and start after my trip to Cali.

8. Visit 1 country I haven't visited before
     I've been invited to go to Peru in November. If I save money, I will go...

9. Stay at current job and get promoted
     Ugh! Honestly, other than saving money, this is the hardest one! I'm not doing something I love and while in thankful to have a job, and I love the company, I really need to be doing something else. But I'm sticking with it for nite. But honestly, if something else comes up I'm going for it! 

Ok, so you're up to date, and the lull is officially over! More to come!

-Eb
PS  Below are some pictures of what I've been doing in "The Lull."