Trust in Me?

    One of the main reasons I started this project is to find out what I'm capable of and to learn more about myself. I wanted push my boundries, dig deep into my self and learn not only who I am but who I want to be. One of the hardest things I've found is that it's hard for people to be honest with them selves about the things we don't like and our own limitations. And it's hard to get to the route of or motivations and why and how we react in any given situation.
Of course there are the basics: parents, childhood experiences, but these are just generalizations. Because as we know, people can experience similar things and become totally different people.
  Recently I've been struggling with my relationships with men. And though I told myself that this blog would not focus on guys (and it hasn't) a recent situation has led me to a big self discovery that I've pretty much known in the back of my head, but have finally become able to accept as truth. I don't trust men. But bigger and more importantly, I don't trust myself. I have killer instincts, but I don't trust them.  I second guess every every decision I make (if I even make a decision), I question my motivations, I doubt my abilities, I sell myself short. Somewhere between high school and here, I lost my confidence and stopped beliving in me.
   Now I know that we all do that from time to time, but my lack of trust in myself has become almost crippling. I don't trust others adorns me, I don't trust how I will react, so I hide. I stay in, I refuse invitations, I assume the worst in others, and I don't let anyone in.  I know why I do this; its a defense mechanism that I user to not get hurt anymore. I've been so devastated by people and situations in my life that now I'm terrified TERRIFIED to let anyone near me. Especially men. I feel like I've lost so much touch that I won't be able to tell who is a someone I can really trust or who really cars for me. I hurt others before they can hurt me. I push you away.
   Sure I could place blame or site people or circumstances that have led to this, but I'm choosing to do something else. I'm choosing to forgive, let go, recognise my fault, and just start over. I'm going to take small and scary steps to let myself off the hook and trust that my judgment is sound. I'm going to let people be there for me and even if a wolf sneaks his or herself in, I'm going to let my family and friends be there for me if I fall. I'm going to let me self fall instead of trying to be on control all the time.
  This is a frightening time for me, but I know if you are reading this, you love new and care for me.  And I'm going to allow myself to rely on you, and not try to do everything on my own. I will need your help, but the good news is that now, I'm going to ask for it.

PS, Thanks PS, you helped me without even trying. Sorry I've been such a pill!

6 Reasons Being a Vegetarian Sucks

Ball parks, restaurants, parties, fast food, bbqs, holidays.

    I've been a vegetarian for 11 months now, and I've come to the conclusion that it kind of sucks. It doesn't always suck, though, but there are very distinct times when it does. The afore mentioned occasions make me feel like like being veggie is the same a being an alien.
     As many of you know, I'm a huge Timbers soccer fan. I love going to the staduim to see games. However, the foood selection at ball parks is VERY limited for me. Don't get me wrong, I love veggie dogs, and Portland does a good job of having them as an option for veggie people, but other than that (and maybe cheese pizza), I'm stuck. On the other hand it is saving me from spending a fortune on ball park food... hmmm maybe that doesn't suck.

    Restaurants are a challenge if you're not going to a vegetarian or vegan place. People are like, oh, you're a vegetarian, is it ok that we eat here? Yes, I can always ready salad or pasta, but there is only so much you can take before you get sick of lettuce! On the other hand, it's a lot easier to choose what to eat. And most of my friends have been very supportive.
     Pastries are acutally kind of difficult at times. Most people throwing parties will have a veggie plate of some kind, but that's usually about it!  I walk around eating chips and pretending that I'm not starving, while everyone else chows down on meatballs and chili-cheese dip! And then if people know I'm a vegetarian they go out of their way to make (or buy) me something special; which makes me feel bad. So, I've learned to just eat before I go to a shin dig.
     When I lived in Portland I loved Burgerville! They were the only place I could eat veggie fast food. And of course, their food is delicious (and local)! But as I learned on the road trip down to California, there really aren't many fast should options for vegetarians. On the plus side, that keeps new from eating a lot of junk that I would otherwise, but man it's inconvenient!! Not gonna lie, I sometimes miss a good burger or a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from McDonald's. But I'm sure my arteries didn't miss them!
      A friends of mine had a BBQ at his house this summer. Everyone brought burgers and ribs and steaks galore. I had some veggie dogs and potato salad, but man, that meat smelled amazing!!! It was incredibly hard not to grab a rib and go crazy on it. But I reminded myself of the about of space and resources it took to raiser that cow, of the crappy conditions it probably endured during its life, and the terrible manner in which it died. Then I was very satisfied with my soy products fruits, and vegetables.
   Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was lovely. But again I feel like I was an inconvenience for my hosts. They did make me a wonderful vegan stuffing, and I ate the veggies, but I felt weird that I needed special accommodation. And the turkey did look amazing!  With Christmas next week, I will be home with my mom and will cook with her, soi that will berth much easier. But know I'm going to smell that ham and want to break down and eat it!! Maybe if we get an organiclly, locally raised little pig I won't feel as bad.
   I have to say being vegetarian has been a fun and educational adventure this year. I will probably add some meat (fish, poultry) back into my diet on occasion next year, but I've definitely learned a lot about the food industry, sustainability, and my heath. I'm in much better shape than I was last year at this time, plus I feel better, and have more energy!

     So, being a vegetarian doesn't really suck, it just takes work and discipline. It made me more contentious about what I put in my body and where it came from. Plus, it made me think of the world around me and the impact that I have on it. Yes, it was a bit inconvient at times, but overall I'm very glad I did it! I've created habits and gathered knowledge I'll have for life. And hopefully I've added a few years to it too!!

The Freedom of Being Alone

     The best and worst thing about being single is the freedom. Most people don't think of freedom as being a bad thing, but sometimes it is. You can make a choice about where to go, or what to do, but if something ends up to be a mistake, it's all on you. Sometimes it's nice to not have to make a decision. It's nice to float with the current instead of trying to swim. 
     I mention this because I have some decisions to make. At work may have an opportunity to move to California. It's incredibly appealing since I've been thinking of leaving this rainy city, and I like my company. So moving and staying with the same company would be awesome. But I'd also be leaving a lot here.
    Also, I recently visited my friends in the Tri-cities area in eastern WA. We had a great time visiting, boating, and having a great time! I joked about moving there, but then we started having a serious conversation. Why not move out there? I have friends, there's plenty of jobs, cost of living is good, it's not to far to drive home to see my family.
    So, I've got done decision-making to do. And the joy of it is that I don't have anyone's permission to ask. No serious discussion has to occur. No lives have to be rearranged but my own.  I can do whatever I want. On the contrary, wouldn't it be nice to have someone to have thoes discussions with? I feel lucky to be so free sometimes, but on the other hand, at my age, I'd like to have someone in my life to be tied to. I'd love to have someone to come home to.
     However, the fact of the matter is that I don't. And I probably won't. I have a feeling I will never have a forever partner. Never have a family. But I'm good at being on my own. I've learned to enjoy the little pluses of being alone. Freedom is one of those small comforts, but one that I will take and cherish. At least I have choices; and at least I am free.