If you don't have anything happy to say....

     A few weeks ago, a friend of mine said that he liked my blog but pointed out how sad it was. Looking back on my entries I discovered that he us right. I think they are so sad because, well, I've been sad. Either that or I've been focussing on the sad in my life. Granted, lately there's been a LOT if sad to focus on, but there's been good too. I haven't written if it until today because it'staken this long for the fog to clear a bit; enough for me to see the good things in my life more clearly.
     I have an amazing family. They love me unconditionally in spite of my drastic mood swings, untidy nature, and tendency to be bossy. I feel so lucky to have people to support me no matter what because not everyone does. We can be silly and ridiculous with each other, and even though we've all made mistakes, there's no doubt in my mind that no matter what comes our way, we'll get through it as long as we have each other.
     I have the best friends ever. I don't tell you all enough, how much I love you, but I do. When I moved to California I didn't know how I was going to get along without Jon, Nikki, Dylan, Stacey, Angie, Lindsay, David, Joe and the many MANY others who enriched my life in Portland. But along with Phil and Charlotte, I moved. We were lucky to make great friends who both came with us from Portland and those who already lived in the Bay. Thank you: Casey, Lucy, Landin, Courtney, Bryan, Jess, Dylane, Jeff, Jen, Jenn, Chris, and super folklore thanks to Stephanie. I wouldn't have made it without her.
    I have an amazing job that I love. Though I wasn't ready to leave my last company, I'm  glad I'm gone. I'm glad they treated me badly enough to make coming back to Portland an easier decision. At the time, I didn't  understand anything that was happening to me, or why. There's still a lot of doubt I'm shuffling through. However, one thing is true, in doing something so much better and more meaningful than I was doing before! Though they broke my heart when they fired me, they led me to a place where I can shine. This is incredibly corney, but flowers can tilt totally grow from shit! :) And, of course, I didn't even have this chance if it wasn't for the people who face me this chance and are betting on me to succeed. I'm going to do everything in my being not to let them down!!
    Finally, the basics. I'm not making much money. Big pay cut, in fact. But I have food in my body, a roof over my head, clothes to wear and even a bit of change to spend on overpriced coffes and a cocky cocktail or two. Not in a bragging way, but that's a lot more than many people can say. We take for granted the simple joys of not having to worry about the simple joys.
     So, this happy entry, I sincerely dedicate  to Dylan. Sorry it took me so long to write something happy, but at least I truely am. Hope it was with the wait!

-Eboni

Movers Remorse

     I can't really compare last year's move top this year's for a few reasons: last year I was moving from rain to sun, the known to the unknown, and less money to more money. This year's move is from sun to rsin, known to known, and more money to less money. There are similarities, though. I was not happy both times I moved, though this year's unhappiness trumps lay year's by far. I was and am single, and my future is still very much up in the air. Of course everyone's future is up in the air, but there as times of more and less certainty, and this is definitely a time of less.
     Though I love my new job a million times more than my last, there are things I miss. I miss the stability, the money, the health insurance. Those things aren't the most important things in the world, but they are extremely nice to have. I miss my friends in California more than I can say. I've found myself doubting this move so much. I keep wondering if I should have fought harder to stay. I feel like in a way I've retreated; like I've given up. And though my new job is a dream of mine, I find it impossible to not focus on all I've left behind.
     I so this all the time. Self-doubt and I are old pals. I'm trying hard to get over that. Very hard. I hope that when I get into a grove, see more of my old friends, meet new ones, get my own place, and get super-good at my job, that this melancholy will melt away, and I'll be chopper, fun, awesome Eboni again. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to wait and see....

Eboni

Ugly

   I've been thinking a lot about self image lately. My opinion of myself hasn't been very high. I look at pictures of myself from the past, and even as recently as last year and I think, "I look great!" But most pictures lately, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I know some of this has to do with weight gain and aging, but really, beauty is about how you feel on the inside and it really does reflect what you see and what other see on the outside.
     I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but I just haven't been very attractive for quite some time. I don't know how to fix that; how does one see his or herself the way that one really is?  Or am I seeing myself the way I really am, unattractive?  It's not that I think that I'm particularly beautiful or anything like that it's just I used to be okay with how I looked but now I'm not. It goes beyond just losing some weight, putting on makeup, or fixing my hair, all the little things I can do to alter my appearance. There's some kind of fundamental internal struggle I'm having on the inside that makes no matter what I look like on the outside seem... ugly.
     I hate that this is happening. I used to be so confident and energetic. Lately, I just want to stay home. I don't want to put in any effort. I just want to sleep. I have some  really great things going to me right now, but that doesn't change that fact that I'm utterly unappealing. I guess the only things to do are the superficial: put on makeup, do hair, dress well, lose weight. Maybe the inside will catch up with the outside. We'll see....

-Eboni

Checking In

     I was going over my posts from this year and since the calendar year is coming to a close (how freaky is that?) I decided to go over my original Resolutions for this year and see how I'm doing. Well, unlike last year, I'm not doing very well. In fact, I think I'm moving backwards. Here are the original Resolutions:

<p>1. Visit one country I've never visited before. <br>
2. Learn one new instrument<br>
3. Volunteer<br>
4. Get a promotion at work<br>
5. Save $2013 by 2013<br>
6. Maintain this blog PLUS write a book from last years blog and try to get it published (web book or otherwise)<br>
7. Learn a new sport<br>
8. Learn a new language<br>
9.&#160; Visit 4 new US cities I've never visited.<br>
10. Learn a new hobby (knitting, Thai cooking etc.)</p>

Of these, I've accomplished one: learn a new sport. I learned how to surf! I have visited a few cities I've never been to: Cambria, Half Moon Bay, and Capitola. I feel like they don't count somehow, since they're all in California, but I did just say 4 US cities I'd never been to, so one more and I've got it! Work, as you know, has not gone well. I got the opposite of promoted: fired! But the good news is that I have a new job, and the opportunities are definitely there for me to get promoted. Probably not by the end of the year, but who knows!? Now, I can still volunteer and I picked up crochet, though I'm terrible at it. I can start a new language and a new instrument, so really, there are a few things in my grasp. I won't get to a foreign country, though. Boo!
     Anyway, I'd been neglecting my original blog, so I wanted to check in. I still have a few months left. I'll try to squeeze in some magic by the end of the year. Who knows? Maybe the next two months will be the best of the year!

Fat. Messy. Needy.

     In recent days, I've not been well.  I've had to go through one of the hardest times of my life. Without getting into details, I've tried to figure out why this happened.  The thing of it is, there is no WHY. At least no why that I'm going to be able to figure out right now.  I'm a big seeker of Why in my life.  I always try ti figure out what has happened, how it happened and WHY it happened.  I do this, as probably most of us do, to wrap my head around things that are difficult or tragic. I also do it, because I'm a control freak. I want to know the "why" because if I know why, maybe I can do something in the future to prevent it from happening again.  However, this is not one of those situations where there even necessarily is a Why. It's just something horrible that happened.
     Also in recent days, I've been involved with someone. This involvement I feel is coming to and end, and a big part of the why is due to changes in me.  I've been not myself and I feel that a big portion of that has pushed this person away.  Again, without getting into details, I'm trying to find the "whys."  But what I've realized, maybe more decided is to say fuck it!  The only thing I can do is to be me, recover in my own time on my own, and change things I can ACTUALLY control. For me, the three main things about me that I can change are being fat, messy, and needy.
     Being fat is pretty much something that I've struggled with and that I've had the hardest time getting motivated to change. I'm not grotesquely obese, but I DO need to lose weight.  For health and self-esteem.  So, I need to get on it.  Gym, hike, bike, swim, dance, whatever it takes. I'm going to set realistic goals for the end of the year, and get started. I'm tired of feeling like my outsides don't match my insides. And, I know what you're thinking, the guy/relationship thing was never as issue (that I know about) that I feel I need to change for relationships to succeed. Rather, this is a great way to release stress and work on something to make me feel better about me in general.  If  guy is going to not be with me because of a few pounds, fuck him!
     Being messy is ridiculous. If you've even been to my place at any time, you know that I'm not the neatest of people. Yeah, I suck.  However, this also is something that I can work on to keep my mind busy, and to feel comfortable about myself and my home.  I love having people over (even in my tiny place), but when I get depressed, I quite simply don't clean.  I don't do anything.  This is another activity I think will be good to help be get better, and to not embarrass myself when having people over.  I need to be actively keeping up the areas of my life that need maintenance- including my home. I need to take pride in myself and what I own.
     Being needy.  You may think that this is not a thing that one can work on.  It is.  I figured out that in the beginning of my tragedy, I was needy, and rightly so.  I needed a lot of support and assistance from everywhere. But I feel like I used it as a crutch, and instead of focusing on what I needed to do to get better and stand on my own, I was relying a bit too much on others.  That's not fair to other people, and it does me no good in getting better.  So, how does one stop being needy? Projects, projects, projects!  I'm trowing myself into the above endeavors and also my writing, crocheting, throwing parties, and learning new skills.  I need to be selfish right now in that I need to think of doing things for me, and discovering what I want and need instead of worrying about others (especially in the relationship sense).
     So, there you have it!  The final three resolutions for this year.  These are my focus and I will be updating you on how that's working out. I'm also still (and am always) trying to get ahead at work as well, so I'll let you know if there's anything on that front too.  Thanks for checking out my blogs.  Love you all!

-Eboni

Slow and Steady

     I was peeling the price tag off of a book I bought today. At first, I ripped off the corner fast and furiously, but saw that little pieces of it were still sticking to the book. I then started in on the opposite corner carefully and slowly, and eased the tag off at a steady pace, leaving no residue behind. You can probably see where I'm going with this.
     This past week I've gone through some pretty traumatic shit. Like I did with the price tag (and as I do with so many things in my life) I wanted to rush through the recovery processes. I don't want to feel what I need to feel, and take the time to recover in a long and painful way. But the thing is, sometimes that's just way to fully get through something: slow and steady. I need to take time to recover in order to truly get through all the pain and completely heal. I need to give others time to do the same thing. This way we can pull off the price tag all the way, and leave no traces, no unresolved issues, behind.
     Of course, unlike the book, there will still be emotional scars and memories that will stay with me forever. However, getting through tragedy is how we can learn, grow, and become better people. So for now, I'll take the time to grieve. I'll be angry, be sad, and be crazy. I'll shout, cry, laugh, make bad jokes, cringe, and cry some more, because by the end (when I'm feeling better) I'll be a better person. I'll realize more of who I am, what I want, and what I'm capable of enduring. But the best thing, unlike the price tag from the book, is that I don't have to do this alone!
     It's so hard for me to ask or accept that I need help.  I hate needing assistance and always want to do everything on my own.  I do, however, usually recognize when I really need help and reluctantly ask.  To the detriment of myself and others, when I do need help I want to impose my super-fast method of life on those who are there to assist me. When they don't go at my rushed pace, I get frustrated and immediately start to push them away. This is probably one of the most ridiculous traits I have! That old saying ”don't bite the hand that feeds you” comes to mind.  I need to accept that I can't do everything on my own, and let people help me in ways that they can and in the time it takes them.  By letting others help me, not imposing my way of doing things on others, and slowing the fuck down I'll be (we'll all be) so much better off!
    I still don't know why this happened to me. I still hurt physically and emotionally so much! I still don't know what's going to happen to me from here. However, I know that by slowing down and accepting all the help, love, and support of those who care about me; I'll be just fine.

Thank you,
Eboni

Two Steps Back

     It's been 5 months since my last post. Clearly, I'm not keeping up on this as well I as I had last year.  I have to say (excuses aside) that it has been a busy, crazy 5 months.  I don't know where to begin to fill you in.  What I will say is that I haven't made much progress in the way of my resolutions.  I think since I was so successful last year, I figured this year would be a gimme.  But it's hard to be fabulous and even harder to keep being fabulous over a long period of time.  I have realized a few things about myself, though, that I'd like to share. 

     I was really, truly planning on going to Australia this year, but due to the fact that I'm terrible at saving money, that dream will have to be put on hold. At least Kristy is coming here in Sept. for a visit.  I can't wait to see her. I'm so glad that I went to Japan, otherwise I wouldn't have met her and made such a cool friend. But I'm trying to get somewhere in the fall, we'll see.  I think I need to revise my resolutions based on my strengths, but it's too late for that now.  I need to keep pressing forward. I don't think I'll be able to get anything published as far as this blog goes, but I am working on two new projects I'm very excited about. I went camping and came up with a great idea for a movie.  I was devastated when I lost the notebook which contained all of my notes, but went camping at the same spot on my own, and made new notes. I think it will be great. IF I can finish it.  I need to seriously make time to write.  My latest project was spawned by my latest rejection.  I think I'm going to pull an Adele and rock out a masterpiece inspired by shit. I'm not the biggest fan of Adele, but she's definitely an inspiration for the jaded! This latest project is about how I'm the best friend in the movie, never the leading lady.  It's not as self-loathing as it sounds, it's actually just an honest and funny look at myself and my friends and how we can all learn to embrace who we are instead of trying to be something we're not.  I'm searching for inner peace.  I hope during the writing of this tale I will not only have written a story that touches and inspires others, but that I will inspire myself!  

   Well, this has been sufficiently random.  But I think I just needed a kick in the ass to get myself writing again. Plus working a graveyard shift gives one time to think and write!  I'm going to take as much advantage of this as I can.  Thanks for letting me ramble to get back in track. More meaty and meaningful entries to come....

-Eboni

Baby Steps....

Well hello there! I've finally gotten over my writers block, thank goodness! I had lost the will to write, and felt like I had nothing to say. But it send that has past and I'm back to bug you all!
     This year I've set the bar pretty high! I've decided to make one change, and that's to visit 4 friends I haven't seen in over a year (instead of the four new US cities). I decided that who I am going to see is more important than where I'm going to see them. So, if you want me to visit, let me know!
     As far as the other Resolutions go I'm already making strides. Well, at least baby steps. I have my first surf lesson next week. Wish me luck! I had my first bass lesson last week. I'm very excited to continue, and well purchase my own bass once I get my tax return. I'm still plucking away at my ukulele as well. I love that little guy!  Also, I have my orientation meeting to volunteer for an adult literacy program in Feb. I was supposed to have it in January, but there was a mix up. I'm very excited!!
   So, I've made progress towards my new sport, surfing, my new instrument, bass, and volunteering. I also was up for a promotion at work, but didn't get it. The interview process was a good learning experience, and I feel confident that I will be ready for the next opportunity that arises!
   I'm very excited that I've beween motivated to nave such attires in just under a month! If I keep this up, I'll get everything done in no time! Then I'll have to come up with more amazing things to do. Yeah... Maybe not. I'll sick to what I've got and focus on being awesome at those things. And if course, keeping you posted! :)

Below is the amended list. Number 9 is the only one that has changed.

1. Visit one country I've never visited before.
2. Learn one new instrument
3. Volunteer
4. Get a promotion at work
5. Save $2013 by 2013
6. Maintain this blog PLUS write a book from last years blog and try to get it published (web book or otherwise)
7. Learn a new sport
8. Learn a new language
9.  Visit 4 friends I haven't seen in over a year.
10. Learn a new hobby (knitting, Thai cooking etc.)

Resolution 10

Without further ado our fanfare; here are my resolutions and content for my blog this year.  I've rolled over incomplete or important ones from last year. And, of course I had to one up it, so 10 resolutions! Read. Share. Follow. Enjoy. Stay tuned!

1. Visit one country I've never visited before.
2. Learn one new instrument
3. Volunteer
4. Get a promotion at work
5. Save $2013 by 2013
6. Maintain this blog PLUS write a book from last years blog and try to get it published (web book or otherwise)
7. Learn a new sport
8. Learn a new language
9.  Visit 4 new US cities I've never visited.
10. Learn a new hobby (knitting, Thai cooking etc.)

Let the most amazing year yet commence!

PS Happy New Year!!!