Ugly

   I've been thinking a lot about self image lately. My opinion of myself hasn't been very high. I look at pictures of myself from the past, and even as recently as last year and I think, "I look great!" But most pictures lately, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I know some of this has to do with weight gain and aging, but really, beauty is about how you feel on the inside and it really does reflect what you see and what other see on the outside.
     I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but I just haven't been very attractive for quite some time. I don't know how to fix that; how does one see his or herself the way that one really is?  Or am I seeing myself the way I really am, unattractive?  It's not that I think that I'm particularly beautiful or anything like that it's just I used to be okay with how I looked but now I'm not. It goes beyond just losing some weight, putting on makeup, or fixing my hair, all the little things I can do to alter my appearance. There's some kind of fundamental internal struggle I'm having on the inside that makes no matter what I look like on the outside seem... ugly.
     I hate that this is happening. I used to be so confident and energetic. Lately, I just want to stay home. I don't want to put in any effort. I just want to sleep. I have some  really great things going to me right now, but that doesn't change that fact that I'm utterly unappealing. I guess the only things to do are the superficial: put on makeup, do hair, dress well, lose weight. Maybe the inside will catch up with the outside. We'll see....

-Eboni