Movers Remorse

     I can't really compare last year's move top this year's for a few reasons: last year I was moving from rain to sun, the known to the unknown, and less money to more money. This year's move is from sun to rsin, known to known, and more money to less money. There are similarities, though. I was not happy both times I moved, though this year's unhappiness trumps lay year's by far. I was and am single, and my future is still very much up in the air. Of course everyone's future is up in the air, but there as times of more and less certainty, and this is definitely a time of less.
     Though I love my new job a million times more than my last, there are things I miss. I miss the stability, the money, the health insurance. Those things aren't the most important things in the world, but they are extremely nice to have. I miss my friends in California more than I can say. I've found myself doubting this move so much. I keep wondering if I should have fought harder to stay. I feel like in a way I've retreated; like I've given up. And though my new job is a dream of mine, I find it impossible to not focus on all I've left behind.
     I so this all the time. Self-doubt and I are old pals. I'm trying hard to get over that. Very hard. I hope that when I get into a grove, see more of my old friends, meet new ones, get my own place, and get super-good at my job, that this melancholy will melt away, and I'll be chopper, fun, awesome Eboni again. In the meantime, I guess I'll have to wait and see....

Eboni

Ugly

   I've been thinking a lot about self image lately. My opinion of myself hasn't been very high. I look at pictures of myself from the past, and even as recently as last year and I think, "I look great!" But most pictures lately, and when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't like what I see. I know some of this has to do with weight gain and aging, but really, beauty is about how you feel on the inside and it really does reflect what you see and what other see on the outside.
     I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but I just haven't been very attractive for quite some time. I don't know how to fix that; how does one see his or herself the way that one really is?  Or am I seeing myself the way I really am, unattractive?  It's not that I think that I'm particularly beautiful or anything like that it's just I used to be okay with how I looked but now I'm not. It goes beyond just losing some weight, putting on makeup, or fixing my hair, all the little things I can do to alter my appearance. There's some kind of fundamental internal struggle I'm having on the inside that makes no matter what I look like on the outside seem... ugly.
     I hate that this is happening. I used to be so confident and energetic. Lately, I just want to stay home. I don't want to put in any effort. I just want to sleep. I have some  really great things going to me right now, but that doesn't change that fact that I'm utterly unappealing. I guess the only things to do are the superficial: put on makeup, do hair, dress well, lose weight. Maybe the inside will catch up with the outside. We'll see....

-Eboni