Help! $ave!

Money is ridiculous. Think about it: a piece of paper or a specially shaped piece of metal is worth food our shelter or a new pair of shoes. But we can't eat it or live in it our wear it. And now money is mostly electronic. It's a concept that we never really even see or touch anymore.  Our dependance on money has taken away or ability to do things. We have become do cerebral and virtual that as a culture we don't know how to do much of anything but think. Even our relationships are becoming "concepts." How many of us actually know how to grow, build, sew, cook? 

These thoughts pass through my overaught brain as I pay rent or my phone bill every month. The sad thing is, as much as I would like to think I have enough skills to survive the zombie apocolypse (or any other kind :), I, like most of us, am completely dependant on money. And also like many if us, I don't make very much, and save even less. 

As you know, one of my resolutions this year is to save $2011by the end of the year. Yeah... that's not going so well. I suck, really suck with writing to do with money. I hate that it's necessary, but love it when I have it. I'm in awe if anyone who can save. How do you do it? What are the secrets? I mean, I've got the basics down of saving bit by bit, and little changes one can make tho their lifestyle, but how can one change their attitude about money? 

For me, money is to be spent: on food, shelter, bills, booze, shoes, trips, gifts....  I know that if I save I can afford more of these things, but I find that in the rare instance that I have money after paying the necessities, I want to enjoy the rest! And if I'm going to spend my money on afore mentioned items, why should I wait? Yes there are emergencies snd unforseen costs, but why save?  How do I tell myself to wait and to think of those inforseen maybes?  I suppose I could answer my own question, but I'd like some outside assistance. For those of you who have managed and are still managing to save: how do you do it!?

-Eb

Love to the Ladies

As you can probabaly tell, I've been feeling a bit down lately. Work, money, guys, and other various things have gotten the best of me. I went to a friend's birthday the other night and realized what I needed to shake off my blues.

For those who know me, you're aware that I have a lot of guy friends. I meet and get along well with the opposite sex a bit easier than I do with ladies. The funny thing is that that was not always the case. When I was younger, I had a ton of girlfriends. I think it was my junior year of high school that I started having more guys than girls in my life. It was then that drama surrounding dating and boys threatened, and even ruined several friendships. 

I hated the way we ladies treated each other and acted when we got together in large groups. I couldn't stand the gossip, rumors, talk of insecurities, and backstabbing that came along with being female. Most of all, I didn't like that I participated in all of it. I didn't like who I became.  So I adopted a new group of mostly guys, and didn't look back. Sure, I kept in touch with my girls, and still hung from time to time. But through the rest of high school and college, I mostly was one of the guys.

Only recently have I begun to yearn for the company of my close lady friends. I forgot the ease and comfort of chatting with the girls. I forgot that there are some things that can only be really discussed with, or appreciated by a woman. Most of all, I forgot how fucking amazing my girlfriends are! They have great jobs, are mothers and wives, they travel, are creative and talented, and most of all, they love and put up with me no matter what.

I'm nut saying that my guys aren't amazing too, but there's somethings you just can't do with the boys. What sucks for me is that most of my ladies are far, far away. So, yesterday,on a whim, I drove to beautiful Pasco,WA to see my darling friend, Bridget. She, Mandy, and I drank wine, talked about our lives (the good and the bad), and had a dance party in the living room! Sure, I probabaly could do that with a guy, but it wouldn't have been the same. I need my time with my ladies. And besides, I'm tired of being a friend-girl (but that's a whole other entry).

This trip to see my girl Bridge was not only one fourth of my "visit 4 friends" resolution, it was a wake up call, and a much needed comfort, reassurance, and brought me back from a dark and lonely place. Thank you Bridge, I love you and miss you already! To my ladies in Portland, we've GOT together more often. My place is always available for wine drinking and living room dance parties!

-Eb

Apartment Love

I've been obsessed with my apartment lately.  It's been moret that a fun project; it's become my main focus. I clean, arrange, manage, sort, and style it on an almost nightly basis.  This is awesome for a few reasons: cleaning is a work out, I can have friends over without being embarassed, and my place is somewhere I LOVE spending time in. 

With all the good, there are a few down sides. I used to love to go out, but recently I've been turning down invitations from friends. Partly because I'm feeling old and don't have energy, but mainly because I just want to sit on my couch in my beautiful apartment and watch my Netflix.  Another dowside is that I think my apartment frenzy is just one addiction replacing another. Well, at least this is a constructive addiction as opposed to drinking, smoking, and/or eating.

I need to make sure I'm not hiding in my projects. I need to focus on the positive aspects of my resolutions and not let them be the cause or excuse for me not particpating in other important aspects of life.  That being said, you've got to come over sometime....

Eboni

Anti-Social Network

I've been feeling very down recently. So much so that I even posted a melt down on Facebook. I'm all for having fun, and even sometimes getting personal or political on social networks, but I definitely think there is such a thing as TOO much information.  I rarely post about polirics, religion, or my relationships. And if I hint at them, it's song lyrics, or so,something ambiguous, so that only that person or my closet friends know what's up.  Well, at least that's the way I used to be.  Recently, that bounry has been dissolving one post at a time.  And after my recent freakout (and after watching "The Social Network" with Laura), I decided that I needed to take a break.

So, a few days into my facebook hiatus, I've been trying to figure out why the boundry has been dissolving and why I'm freaking out.  After considering work, money, food, and home I realized that I'm lonely.  Lonely, sad, and uncomfortably restless.  I really want to have someone special in my life. I want a partner, someone to come home to. I want a love.

I swore to myself that when I started this, I wouldn't write about guys, or dating, or relationships, but when it's affecting my whole mental and emotional health, writing about it gets unavoidable.   In response to my facebook freakout, a friend of mine emailed me and applauded me for getting pissed off.  He mentioned that he doesn't do it enough, wished he would allow himself to more often.  We sent a few emails back and forth about our issues with self and with others, and he asked me why I thought I was to blame for my bad luck in love.  I replied saying that I'm the constant.  I'm the only thing that is the same thing in every failed love disaster I've been through.

So there it is: I'm a mess.  I'm the problem. I'm crazy, demanding, emotional, dramatic, stubborn, judgemental, and impatient. I can't imagine who in his right mind would ever want to be with me.  I was telligng a different guy friend of mine that I honestly think I will be single my whole life.  He responded by saying that I am amazing, and that I will find someone. The funny thing is that coming from him (a man I was previously in love with and who didn't love me back), that felt like a punch in the stomach. I wasn't saying that because I was fishing for compliments. I said it because I did, and still do, believe it. Not eveyone gets marriedd or falls in love forever. Some of us will im fact be alone.

Most of the time, I'm okay with this. I'm good on my own, and am used to being single. But every once in a while I wish there was someone. The worst is when I dain to try to date and end up heartbroken and feel more alone than before.  I know damn well exactly how it will end up. And yet, like Sysiphous before me, I keep pushing that fucking rock back up the hill, only to have it roll back down again. The smarr person woudld just say fuck it, light a smoke, take a seat and lean against that rock and call it a day!  Guess I'm not very smart.  At least not smart in love.

Anyway, I guess I needed to vent because I feel a bit better. Of course, no one will read this because I can'n post a link on facebook.  Damn! 

Eboni