I've been feeling very down recently. So much so that I even posted a melt down on Facebook. I'm all for having fun, and even sometimes getting personal or political on social networks, but I definitely think there is such a thing as TOO much information. I rarely post about polirics, religion, or my relationships. And if I hint at them, it's song lyrics, or so,something ambiguous, so that only that person or my closet friends know what's up. Well, at least that's the way I used to be. Recently, that bounry has been dissolving one post at a time. And after my recent freakout (and after watching "The Social Network" with Laura), I decided that I needed to take a break.
So, a few days into my facebook hiatus, I've been trying to figure out why the boundry has been dissolving and why I'm freaking out. After considering work, money, food, and home I realized that I'm lonely. Lonely, sad, and uncomfortably restless. I really want to have someone special in my life. I want a partner, someone to come home to. I want a love.
I swore to myself that when I started this, I wouldn't write about guys, or dating, or relationships, but when it's affecting my whole mental and emotional health, writing about it gets unavoidable. In response to my facebook freakout, a friend of mine emailed me and applauded me for getting pissed off. He mentioned that he doesn't do it enough, wished he would allow himself to more often. We sent a few emails back and forth about our issues with self and with others, and he asked me why I thought I was to blame for my bad luck in love. I replied saying that I'm the constant. I'm the only thing that is the same thing in every failed love disaster I've been through.
So there it is: I'm a mess. I'm the problem. I'm crazy, demanding, emotional, dramatic, stubborn, judgemental, and impatient. I can't imagine who in his right mind would ever want to be with me. I was telligng a different guy friend of mine that I honestly think I will be single my whole life. He responded by saying that I am amazing, and that I will find someone. The funny thing is that coming from him (a man I was previously in love with and who didn't love me back), that felt like a punch in the stomach. I wasn't saying that because I was fishing for compliments. I said it because I did, and still do, believe it. Not eveyone gets marriedd or falls in love forever. Some of us will im fact be alone.
Most of the time, I'm okay with this. I'm good on my own, and am used to being single. But every once in a while I wish there was someone. The worst is when I dain to try to date and end up heartbroken and feel more alone than before. I know damn well exactly how it will end up. And yet, like Sysiphous before me, I keep pushing that fucking rock back up the hill, only to have it roll back down again. The smarr person woudld just say fuck it, light a smoke, take a seat and lean against that rock and call it a day! Guess I'm not very smart. At least not smart in love.
Anyway, I guess I needed to vent because I feel a bit better. Of course, no one will read this because I can'n post a link on facebook. Damn!
Eboni
so...I read this, and I don't have Facebook. Don't need it, either. I'm sad for you, and yet happy at the same time. Sad, because I know how you feel. Happy because you're exploring yourself and trying to figure out life. But isn't that the catch? How the F do you figure out life? I think there is something to be said for a self-fulfilling prophecy here...I think you and I both are sort of stuck in that rut. However, I think you are also amazing and that it will sort itself out one day. I've met some way out there chicks, way more demanding than you, way more psycho than you (hahahahaha), and they seem to find guys who will not only put up with their shyte, but also compliment somehow with some aspect of their own lives. I think there is someone for you. I think there are a lot of someone's for you...you have yet to find any of them. What we have right now in our lives is not the tell all, end all...you know? Things change on a daily basis. And even though WE don't think so, we change, too. So before you beat yourself up about being the constant, think about yourself 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago. Think about the type of person you were, about what was going on in your life. I think you'll find that even though on the outside you seemed the same, there were differences and it was simply not the right time, and not the right guy. I love you!
ReplyDeleteI have the best brother EVER! Thank you and I love you too!!!
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