I just found out a friend on mine if pregnant with her third child. This should be exciting and happy news but I find myself crying. Bawling, actually. Not because I want kids myself, but because I feel left behind. I feel like all my friends are having these great lives. They're getting married, having kids, getting great jobs, starting companies, travelling, or changing the world. And I'm....not. I feel like im behind in the race, and there is no way to catch up. My friends are lawyers, entrepeneurs, mothers, cops, engineers, teachers, artists and film makers and most of them are younger than me.
I'm 33 (34 on Apr 2), single, live alone, and have a mediocre entry-level job at a call center (despite having a BA). Although I'd like to think that I have some talent, I'm just remotely good some things here and there. Just good enough to be entertaining, but not successful. When I stop to look at myself, I think, "is this it!?" And the saddest thing is, this IS it!
In spite of being behind, I'm aware that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but what I'm most thankful for are the amazing people I get to call friends. Half the time I have no idea why you want me in your lives! I'm totally the deadbeat friend. I'm broke all the time, and I'm awful at keeping in touch, and constantly am upset or complaining about something. I know we all feel this way some times, but I feel like this every day. And the worst part is I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I try I can't get any better. I audition, I pay bills, I work, I practice, I date, I apply. But only to end up no further along. I'm tired. My heart aches.
That being said, I'm glad I started this project, and that at least a few if you stop in from time to time to see what's new. But mostly I'm glad that it's forced me to be honest with myself. And though it may seem like a self-loathing, pity-party, rant, it's honestly how I feel.
It may seem that I'm being dramatic, or it's it's the looming birthday, or that I need stronger meds, (all of which I've considered), but it's not. It's unabashed soul-searching. I'm trying everything I can to figure out how not to feel this way anymore. Which is truly ( I've discovered three months into the project) what this blog, these Resolutions, are all about. How to not be this person. How to become more. How to feel better. How to be. Better.
-eb
Wow. I can really sense the pain you are in as I read this and want so badly to some how make it go away for you. I guess what I would say is that you are obviously (from reading this) your harshest critic. I wish you could see yourself as others do. Here, I'll try to help.
ReplyDeleteI know lots of people who have these lives that you describe and say you want. Most of them are your run-of-the-mill, boring people. Most of them talk about the same things, wear the same things, and if I really get to know them, find out they suffer from major freaking problems (social anxiety, suicidal thoughts, unfaithful spouses, dead-end jobs, insurmountable debt, etc.). Most of these people I interact with b/c I have to, either through work obligations, spousal obligations, or family obligations.
And then there's you. You are wicked smart, interesting, and super funny. When we hang out I always have a good time and laugh a lot. While you focus on not meeting certain benchmarks you had hoped to meet, you ignore the fact that you have turned into a beautiful person that people want to be around. That is way too freaking rare, which makes you pretty special.
You are only 33. You have lots of time to meet Mr. Right and find that perfect career, but most of the boring people running through this world will always be boring and will have very little to offer others.
Anyways, I just think you are being way too hard on yourself and focusing too much on what you haven't accomplished and not enough on what you have. As Clarence P. Oddbody wrote, "No man is a failure who has friends." That corny line means a lot to me, and I hope it does to you. As wonderful of a person as you are, I am confident the other things in your life will fall into place. I am just sorry it's taking longer than you would like. I do wish more good things happened to those who deserved them.
Dylan, I don't even know how to thank you for what you wrote. I can't describe how amazing and comforted your words made (make) me feel. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
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