California. Birthday. Love.

   Currently, I'm cruising at 36,000 feet over the Pacific Ocean on the way back to Portland. This past weekend I got another fourth of the way closer to achieving my goal of visiting 4 friends who don't live in Portland. I went to visit my friend 'Chaz' in sunny CA.  It was awesome!!
   As you can probabaly tell from previous posts, I needed to get away and get some sun!  I requested this time off months ago not really knowing where I wanted to go, but as the time approached I thought: Vegas or visit Chaz in CA. The closer I got the choice was clear; a visit to a great friend is a no-brainer. So, I got a hold of my buddy, asked if he wanted any company, and booked a flight!
   When I took the time off originally, I had planned on doing something epic for my birthday (which was April 2nd).  But as the time crept up I realized that I wasn't in the mood to party this year. I hate planning my own birthday, and had been feeling low about turning 34 (yes, 34). And when I considered going to see Chaz I thought he would the perfect person to hang with since he's not that big on birthdays. Turns out, he was.
    Chaz isn't the biggest planner, but he had help from his girlfriend, who suggested going to a brewery (which we did Friday night), and Knott's Berry Farm on Saturday. Neither he nor she knew that it was my birthday on Saturday until I told them Friday night. He felt bad that he didn't remember, but hey, he's a guy! ;) Plus, I didn't want to make a big deal, so I didn't mind. Well when Saturday arrived, I realized that I was excited and really happy to spend the day with him at Knott's. But here's the kicker; I wasn't sure about spending the day with him and his girlfriend at Knott's.
   For those who don't know, I used to be in love with Chaz. He and I are great friends from the time we met clicked and always had a great time together. When he moved back to Portland, we became very close and spent many, many hours together. Over last summer, I fell in love. Unfortunately, he did not. Unrequited love is a difficult thing to experience, but we got through it and remained friends. Our friendship was too important to let anything destroy it, even my broken heart.
    For months after I told him my feelings, we carried on and stayed as close as ever. However, we would have to go through another big hit: he got a job in California. The weeks proceeding Chaz's departure were hectic and bittersweet. And when I watched him drive the moving van away, my heart broke again. I was going to miss my friend. He's come to visit Portland a few times, and we've been good about keeping in touch. My feelings faded over the months, and I was happy and relieved that I had survived another heartache!
    I wasn't expecting anything to happen in this trip except to hang and catch up with my friend, but when he mentioned he had a girlfriend (he mentioned she was helping him plan cool stuff to do), my heart skipped a beat. It's always hard to meet the person someone you loved's new partner. I have to say that seeing them together really tested the kind of person I am and what I'm capable of handling. Seeing him act the way with her I wish he would have with me was definitely tough, but I'm happy to say that I'm happy for them. Honestly and truly. I'm so glad that he's got a great job, apartment, and wonderful girlfriend who is a sweet and fun person.
     With all that I've been struggling with, I thought I'd be bitter. I thought it would be impossible for me to be happy for someone else's success and joy when I'm struggling so hard with mine. I'm so relieved to find out that I'm stronger than I thought, and my heart, though it has been broken many times is still capable of being generous and open.
    As I write this I'm tearing up a bit from pain, joy, relief, and hope. I've been in love 5 times and had my heart broken 4. I thought I couldn't survive another one. That I would just shut down, and be afraid to try again. Through first love, unrequited love, long-distsnce love, and love at first sight, I've been through the ringer! I'm so glad that through seeing my darling friend in a relationship with a great girl didn't make me angry or resentful. I'm so excited that I'm not someone who would be jealous or bitter. It took seeing them to help me remember who I am. Jealous and bitter just isn't my style! :)
    It's funny the things that wake you up. The strange way that God, or the universe, fate, or dumb luck puts you in one place and where you end up on the other side.  Though it was hard to see them together, I'm a better person for it, and I'm sooo happy for him. It feels good to be able to say that. I know that he's not the one for me, but I have restored hope that there's someone out there who is.
    So here's to California, birthdays,  and Chaz!  I had an amazing visit and a fantastic birthday!  I've been revived and can't wait for my next adventure in life and love. I'm looking forward to finding love #6. Who knows, maybe he'll be the last.   :)

-Eboni