Resolution 9?

"Positives: creative, talented, adventurous
Negatives: Bad with money, indecisive (specifically about career), bad at keeping in touch, self-centered, overweight/unhealthy, little follow-through, messy
     Yes, the negatives column is much longer than the positives, but hey, aren't we all our worst critics?And besides, the resolutions are in place to tip the scales, and without further ado, here (in no particular order) are the Resolutions 9:
1. Save $2,012 by 2012 (money)
2. Visit 4 friends or family members who don't live in Portland (stay in touch)
3. Be vegetarian for one year at least (overweight/unhealthy)
4. Re-do apartment and keep it clean (messy)
5. Mange this blog (creative)
6. Learn two new instruments (talented)
7. Volunteer for a charity (self-centered)
8. Visit 1 country I haven't visited before (adventurous)
9. Stay at current job and get promoted (indecisive)"

   Last year a friend of mine asked me about my ambitious 9 resolutions. He asked what would happen if I didn't complete them all. "What happens if you only complete 7?" he asked. "Well, then I will have completed 7 really cool things!" I replied.
     Above I posted some of the text from the inagural post of this blog. Now, I will sun of which of the tasks I completed, partially completed, and those I wasn't able to complete.

1*. I don't have $2012 in my bank currently, but I do have $1015, and tough this is not the exact amount, I consider this a great success. Last year at this time I had maybe $20!

2**. This one I did completely! Visited Bridget in Pasco, WA, visited "Chaz" in CA, visited my father and sisters in San Jose, CA, visited Andrew in Seattle, WA, met up with Angie in Leavenworth, WA. That was one of my favorite resolutions to work on. I have great family and friends!!

3**. I did it! Vegetarian for a year, and I didn't even shake from bacon withdrawls! :)

4*. I did re-do the apartment, I did keep it clean, most days. I'm counting this in the half full category. I think I still have room for improvement.

5**. Though there were some gaps and definite ups and downs, I kept this baby going! Winning!

6*. This was a difficult one. I bought a harmonica, those things are wicked-hard to learn. I fell in love with a little wooden dream; the ukulele. I can play 5 songs on it, and I'm learning more as we speak! So, one instrument = half accomplished!

7. Fail! I didn't volunteer this year.

8. Fail! I didn't visit a new country this year.

9**. This is the resolution I'm most proud of (veggie is second)!  I not only stayed with my fabulous company, I was chosen with what I call "an elite crew of champions" to pioneer a new facet of our company. I got promoted and relocated! I'm living my job, my co-workers, and my new life here in sunny California! One of the best things that has happened to me in a long time!

     So, there you have it! No, I didn't complete all 9, but I did complete 4 really awesome things, and partially completed 3, and only completely failed two. All in all, if shay this was an amazing year. Stayed tuned for next year. It will be even bigger and better.....!

(below are pics if wins from this year)

Clearance Sale

Getting rid of old stock. Baggage. Memories. Clothing. Numbers. Everything. Like new.

   I deleted all old boyfriend/hook up numbers from my phone. Even some that were epic. Feels sad but empowering. Going into the New Year fresh. No baggage, no drama, no tears, just me.

6 Reasons Being a Vegetarian Sucks!

Ball parks, restaurants, parties, fast food, bbqs, holidays.

I've been a vegetarian for 11 months now, and I've come to the conclusion that it kind of sucks. It doesn't always suck, though, but there are very distinct times when it does. The afore mentioned occasions make me feel like like being veggie is the same a being an alien.
As many of you know, I'm a huge Timbers soccer fan. I love going to the staduim to see games. However, the foood selection at ball parks is VERY limited for me. Don't get me wrong, I love veggie dogs, and Portland does a good job of having them as an option for veggie people, but other than that (and maybe cheese pizza), I'm stuck. On the other hand it is saving me from spending a fortune on ball park food... hmmm maybe that doesn't suck.
Restaurants are a challenge if you're not going to a vegetarian or vegan place. People are like, oh, you're a vegetarian, is it ok that we eat here? Yes, I can always ready salad or pasta, but there is only so much you can take before you get sick of lettuce! On the other hand, it's a lot easier to choose what to eat. And most of my friends have been very supportive.
Parties are acutally kind of difficult at times. Most people throwing parties will have a veggie plate of some kind, but that's usually about it! I walk around eating chips and pretending that I'm not starving, while everyone else chows down on meatballs and chili-cheese dip! And then if people know I'm a vegetarian they go out of their way to make (or buy) me something special; which makes me feel bad. So, I've learned to just eat before I go to a shin dig.
When I lived in Portland I loved Burgerville! They were the only place I could eat veggie fast food. And of course, their food is delicious (and local)! But as I learned on the road trip down to California, there really aren't many fast should options for vegetarians. On the plus side, that keeps new from eating a lot of junk that I would otherwise, but man it's inconvenient!! Not gonna lie, I sometimes miss a good burger or a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from McDonald's. But I'm sure my arteries didn't miss them!
A friends of mine had a BBQ at his house this summer. Everyone brought burgers and ribs and steaks galore. I had some veggie dogs and potato salad, but man, that meat smelled amazing!!! It was incredibly hard not to grab a rib and go crazy on it. But I reminded myself of the about of space and resources it took to raiser that cow, of the crappy conditions it probably endured during its life, and the terrible manner in which it died. Then I was very satisfied with my soy products fruits, and vegetables.
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was lovely. But again I feel like I was an inconvenience for my hosts. They did make me a wonderful vegan stuffing, and I ate the veggies, but I felt weird that I needed special accommodation. And the turkey did look amazing! With Christmas next week, I will be home with my mom and will cook with her, soi that will berth much easier. But know I'm going to smell that ham and want to break down and eat it!! Maybe if we get an organiclly, locally raised little pig I won't feel as bad.
I have to say being vegetarian has been a fun, sometimes difficult, and educational adventure this year. I will probably add some meat (fish, poultry) back into my diet on occasion next year, but I've definitely learned a lot about the food industry, sustainability, and my heath. I'm in much better shape than I was last year at this time, plus I feel better, and have more energy!
So, being a vegetarian doesn't really suck, it just takes work and discipline. It made me more contentious about what I put in my body and where it came from. Plus, it made me think of the world around me and the impact that I have on it. Yes, it was a bit inconvient at times, but overall I'm very glad I did it! I've created habits and gathered knowledge I'll have for life. And hopefully I've added a few years to it too!!

Family

(I started writing this back in October after the visit. FYI)

    My final visit to complete the "visit 4 friends/family members who don't live in the Portland area" was a half visit/half scout where to live in California. I stayed with my dad in Saratoga and visited quoth him anas my sisters. For those of you who don't know, I grew up from the age of 6 with my mom, stepdad and brother in Aloha, OR. The last time I'd seen my father (before I met my sisters in 2008) as when I was 5. I didn't ev seen know I had sisters until I was 20! So, visiting wasn't as simple as it would seem.
     The trip went well. Spending time getting to know my father and sisters haas been great. It's strange to meet a parent as an adult; there's so much they don't know about you, and vice versa. There's an awkward politeness that isn't there with someone you've known your while life. And thoughthe tro went well and I'm glad to be getting to know my California Family, I feel sad that this awkwardness is there.
     I'm sad that I missed out on my sisters being babies and school kids. I'm sad that I don't know what foods my dad doesn't like or what jobs he's gone through. And though these are things I can find out, there are still all those experiences that I will never get to have! And of course, they missed out on knowing me as well. Seeing me become who I am.
    Since the trip, I've not stopped thinking about family. What is family and why is it important? What happens to our minds and hearts when a family is broken? And can those pot holes ever be filled?
     What I know is that so blessed to have a mom and brother who mean everything to me! That family is not just biology, but connections you make with people you love. And I've realized that family can ever changing and growing if you want it to be. And if you're lucky like me, you'll be able to not necessarily fill the pot holes left by past absences or wounds, but just pave new roads. I'm so excited to live so close to my father and sisters and to get to know then and have them in my life. I'm so happy to have let go of the wondering about what might have been. I'm ready for the future, and the roads ahead with my amazing family!

Movin' Out

This was written 9\29\2011. But my lazy ass didn't publish it until today.....

This is my last night in the apartment I've called home for the past three and a half years! Sad, but hopeful that this move will be the start of the next amazing chapter off my life. It's funny that when I first moved in I was crying over the same guy I just had over a few nights ago. The one I loved is the one I've learned to live without. It's strange when you can honestly say that you're ok with something ending. That, for me, shows that it was really time for it to end. That you've really grown up. Though there are pangs; it's all good. 
It's strange how much a place can mean to you. A place that was maybe built before you that will be there after you are gone. I try not to get to attached since it's so hard for me to let go, but I've grown to really love this place! A lot can happen in three and a half years. Up and down this place was my haven. It will be remembered fondly. I say goodbye to my place not as a building where I spent some time, but as an old friend, with whom I share many memories.

Below is a list of things I will miss most about this place:

Rock band nights!
Thai food eaten
Timbers games!
Heartbreaks
Getting over heartbreaks
Dance parties
Netflix discs watched
Cried to sleep
Happy to awake
Hangovers
Hugs
Spiders(killed with the help of my cat)

1959 SW Morrison, Portland, OR the place I've lived the longest after the house I grew up in.

If You're Going to San Francisco...

    The past few months have been brutal: another dating disaster, gaining weight, becoming more and more anti-social.  I've honestly been hiding from life. After jutting my head out of my turtle shell only to get yet another blow, I tucked back in to re-coup. I've been dividing my time between work and my mom. It's not just the shock of dating a compulsive liar that made me want to run and hide, but I've also been excruciatingly broke, and suspected of trying to steal another girls man (which I was not). All in all, its been a rough couple of weeks. I've completely doubted my worth on many, many occasions.
    When I ead really down I found myself, as we all often do, questioning my faith in God or karma or whatever spiritual guidance that's out there. And more tangibly, I was doubting myself; even more than usual!  But then I started thinking, "Haven't I had enough!?" I mean, I'm not the most benevolent person in the world but I've certainly been through my fair share of bullshit! And I've done a lot of selfless acts wanting nothing in return. I've done the right thing most of the time, even when it was really difficult. "So, I asked myself, "what gives, universe!?"  The universe responded.
  About two weeks ago my employer informed us of a job opportunity. This job would be at a new cutting edge facility in the Santa Clara, CA. I thought to myself... hmmm maybe.... I mean I have been wanting to move away from Portland and I do want to move up in the company, but that's a big move. So when they asked us who waned to go to the meeting about it, I responded yes just to see what it was all about.  After hearing all the details, it was settled: I was doing everything in my power to get this position!
     I put my name in the hat, and interviewed on a Thursday. I waited two agonizing weeks to find out if I made the cut (they only top reps apply, so the competition was potentionally fierce). On Friday, August 26th, I found out that I got it, and my life was about to change!  I haven't been this happy in weeks!! I feel that my hard work and karmic ju-ju has paid off, and I'm about to embark on another amazing journey! And another wonderful thing is that I've achieved another Resolution! And with the relocation allowance the company is providing, I may be able to accomplish more!!
   So thank you to God, the gods, karma, Buddah, Gaya, fate, and/or whomever else is out there watching out for me. But most importantly, thank you to my friends and family who believe in me, no matter what they believe in! I couldn't have done out without you! The turtle is coming back out of her she'll and getting ready to party in the sun in California! I hope you come and visit.

Trust in Me?

    One of the main reasons I started this project is to find out what I'm capable of and to learn more about myself. I wanted push my boundries, dig deep into my self and learn not only who I am but who I want to be. One of the hardest things I've found is that it's hard for people to be honest with them selves about the things we don't like and our own limitations. And it's hard to get to the route of or motivations and why and how we react in any given situation.
Of course there are the basics: parents, childhood experiences, but these are just generalizations. Because as we know, people can experience similar things and become totally different people.
  Recently I've been struggling with my relationships with men. And though I told myself that this blog would not focus on guys (and it hasn't) a recent situation has led me to a big self discovery that I've pretty much known in the back of my head, but have finally become able to accept as truth. I don't trust men. But bigger and more importantly, I don't trust myself. I have killer instincts, but I don't trust them.  I second guess every every decision I make (if I even make a decision), I question my motivations, I doubt my abilities, I sell myself short. Somewhere between high school and here, I lost my confidence and stopped beliving in me.
   Now I know that we all do that from time to time, but my lack of trust in myself has become almost crippling. I don't trust others adorns me, I don't trust how I will react, so I hide. I stay in, I refuse invitations, I assume the worst in others, and I don't let anyone in.  I know why I do this; its a defense mechanism that I user to not get hurt anymore. I've been so devastated by people and situations in my life that now I'm terrified TERRIFIED to let anyone near me. Especially men. I feel like I've lost so much touch that I won't be able to tell who is a someone I can really trust or who really cars for me. I hurt others before they can hurt me. I push you away.
   Sure I could place blame or site people or circumstances that have led to this, but I'm choosing to do something else. I'm choosing to forgive, let go, recognise my fault, and just start over. I'm going to take small and scary steps to let myself off the hook and trust that my judgment is sound. I'm going to let people be there for me and even if a wolf sneaks his or herself in, I'm going to let my family and friends be there for me if I fall. I'm going to let me self fall instead of trying to be on control all the time.
  This is a frightening time for me, but I know if you are reading this, you love new and care for me.  And I'm going to allow myself to rely on you, and not try to do everything on my own. I will need your help, but the good news is that now, I'm going to ask for it.

PS, Thanks PS, you helped me without even trying. Sorry I've been such a pill!

6 Reasons Being a Vegetarian Sucks

Ball parks, restaurants, parties, fast food, bbqs, holidays.

    I've been a vegetarian for 11 months now, and I've come to the conclusion that it kind of sucks. It doesn't always suck, though, but there are very distinct times when it does. The afore mentioned occasions make me feel like like being veggie is the same a being an alien.
     As many of you know, I'm a huge Timbers soccer fan. I love going to the staduim to see games. However, the foood selection at ball parks is VERY limited for me. Don't get me wrong, I love veggie dogs, and Portland does a good job of having them as an option for veggie people, but other than that (and maybe cheese pizza), I'm stuck. On the other hand it is saving me from spending a fortune on ball park food... hmmm maybe that doesn't suck.

    Restaurants are a challenge if you're not going to a vegetarian or vegan place. People are like, oh, you're a vegetarian, is it ok that we eat here? Yes, I can always ready salad or pasta, but there is only so much you can take before you get sick of lettuce! On the other hand, it's a lot easier to choose what to eat. And most of my friends have been very supportive.
     Pastries are acutally kind of difficult at times. Most people throwing parties will have a veggie plate of some kind, but that's usually about it!  I walk around eating chips and pretending that I'm not starving, while everyone else chows down on meatballs and chili-cheese dip! And then if people know I'm a vegetarian they go out of their way to make (or buy) me something special; which makes me feel bad. So, I've learned to just eat before I go to a shin dig.
     When I lived in Portland I loved Burgerville! They were the only place I could eat veggie fast food. And of course, their food is delicious (and local)! But as I learned on the road trip down to California, there really aren't many fast should options for vegetarians. On the plus side, that keeps new from eating a lot of junk that I would otherwise, but man it's inconvenient!! Not gonna lie, I sometimes miss a good burger or a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit from McDonald's. But I'm sure my arteries didn't miss them!
      A friends of mine had a BBQ at his house this summer. Everyone brought burgers and ribs and steaks galore. I had some veggie dogs and potato salad, but man, that meat smelled amazing!!! It was incredibly hard not to grab a rib and go crazy on it. But I reminded myself of the about of space and resources it took to raiser that cow, of the crappy conditions it probably endured during its life, and the terrible manner in which it died. Then I was very satisfied with my soy products fruits, and vegetables.
   Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone. It was lovely. But again I feel like I was an inconvenience for my hosts. They did make me a wonderful vegan stuffing, and I ate the veggies, but I felt weird that I needed special accommodation. And the turkey did look amazing!  With Christmas next week, I will be home with my mom and will cook with her, soi that will berth much easier. But know I'm going to smell that ham and want to break down and eat it!! Maybe if we get an organiclly, locally raised little pig I won't feel as bad.
   I have to say being vegetarian has been a fun and educational adventure this year. I will probably add some meat (fish, poultry) back into my diet on occasion next year, but I've definitely learned a lot about the food industry, sustainability, and my heath. I'm in much better shape than I was last year at this time, plus I feel better, and have more energy!

     So, being a vegetarian doesn't really suck, it just takes work and discipline. It made me more contentious about what I put in my body and where it came from. Plus, it made me think of the world around me and the impact that I have on it. Yes, it was a bit inconvient at times, but overall I'm very glad I did it! I've created habits and gathered knowledge I'll have for life. And hopefully I've added a few years to it too!!

The Freedom of Being Alone

     The best and worst thing about being single is the freedom. Most people don't think of freedom as being a bad thing, but sometimes it is. You can make a choice about where to go, or what to do, but if something ends up to be a mistake, it's all on you. Sometimes it's nice to not have to make a decision. It's nice to float with the current instead of trying to swim. 
     I mention this because I have some decisions to make. At work may have an opportunity to move to California. It's incredibly appealing since I've been thinking of leaving this rainy city, and I like my company. So moving and staying with the same company would be awesome. But I'd also be leaving a lot here.
    Also, I recently visited my friends in the Tri-cities area in eastern WA. We had a great time visiting, boating, and having a great time! I joked about moving there, but then we started having a serious conversation. Why not move out there? I have friends, there's plenty of jobs, cost of living is good, it's not to far to drive home to see my family.
    So, I've got done decision-making to do. And the joy of it is that I don't have anyone's permission to ask. No serious discussion has to occur. No lives have to be rearranged but my own.  I can do whatever I want. On the contrary, wouldn't it be nice to have someone to have thoes discussions with? I feel lucky to be so free sometimes, but on the other hand, at my age, I'd like to have someone in my life to be tied to. I'd love to have someone to come home to.
     However, the fact of the matter is that I don't. And I probably won't. I have a feeling I will never have a forever partner. Never have a family. But I'm good at being on my own. I've learned to enjoy the little pluses of being alone. Freedom is one of those small comforts, but one that I will take and cherish. At least I have choices; and at least I am free.

Saddy McSad and the Wah Wahs!

  While in the shower tonight I was going over all the crap going on in my life right now. I'm broke and will probably have to move in with my mom, I'm single, a good amount of my friends don't live here, I'm unsure of my job, and I'm fairly certain I've gained a few pounds. I was having a mini pity-party drowning my tears under the shiwerhead. And as I watched the hot water gather around my toes then proceed down the drain, it dawned on me: boo bloody hoo! I mean, really!!
    So what if I'm broke!? So are a lot of people, and so many are WAY worse off than I am! And who cares if I have to move in with my mom? I love her, we get along extremely well, and I'm lucky to have a mom who's so wonderful and understanding! Who gives a crap about being single? I'd rather be on my own than in some co-dependant nightmare!  Or simply with the wrong person, just to be with someone! Yeah, a lot of my friends aren't here, but that means that I have great places to visit, and can spend time with all the amazing friends I have here that I have neglected.
   Yes, there are things I'd rather be doing, but I've got a decent job. Pay is reasonable, my supervisor is great, I have health benefits, and at least I have a job! So many people would love to be able to say that!  And the gaining weight thing is all my bad. I need to get off my fat ass, and work out! My amazing friend Nikki hooked me up with her personal trainer, and I have yet found the time to schedule time with him!
    Bottom line: I don't know how long this surge of enlightment is going last, but I love it and I'm going to grab it while I can! Things aren't as bleak as they seem, and really there's a lot I can do to make them better! Also, I'm going to start a new feature on the blog called "Shout-Outs." Each week I'm going to write about an amazing person in my life, why they are amazing, and some way that they've affected, helped, or inspired me. (When you are chosen, I will clear it with you first before I post the blog.)  I think it's really important to recognize the people in your life who you care about, and it's high time I stated letting you know how much you mean to me!
    We've hit the 6 month mark of this blog running! Thanks for hanging in there with me!! I feel like a lot of positive change is right around the corner and I'm glad you're coming with me!

-Eb

Sould I Stay or Should I Go?

(I'm very frustrated right now because I just wrote two very good paragraphs and I was booted out of blogger! Grrrrr!)

    As you know I've been trying to get promoted at work. It's been a long and frustrating road. I get distracted easily. If I din't hit certain benchmarks when I feel that I should (expctations set by the company and/or myself), I get antsy. I start planning to go abroad, or back to school, or looking for a new job. I think that some big and drastic change will make things better.
    The thing is, that even though it can be fun and exciting, starting over is exhausting!  A new place, new job, new apartment, new guys; any of these changes I think will make things better take a LOT of energy. Energy that I find myself lacking these days. Plus, all the time and hard work that I've already put in at this job would be for nothing if I left.
     Also, I have no idea what I really want to do. Well, that's not entirely true. I'd love to be an actress for a living, but some how I don't think that's going to happen for me. There are things thay I'm good at and things that I like, but I'm not necessarily sure that I'd want to do them as a job.
   So, here I sit. Feeling suck. Wanting to move, but not knowing where to move to.  The good news is that I'm closer to ever to being promoted! The bad news is, in not sure that I want to stay in Portland. I'm frozen. I wonder if everyone feels this way. Wanting to move but unsure of the direction. Does anyone ever really feel comfortable or content?
    When I traveled to NYC and SoCal I felt better in those two places than I do here. I felt a vibe of belonging (NY more than Cali). Is that just because I was visiting or is there something more to it? Should I move and get another fresh start, or stay put? I've decided that maybe I should start with little changes instead of giant ones. Take a class, take a trip, do some research. That way when it does come time for a giant change, I'll know it's the right one. 
    So, at least for now I am here. In the next few weeks we shall see what happens. And I'll make my move from there.
   

The Towel

   A friend of mine told me that he thought my blog read like a diary. I told him I was going to stop writing.  He suggested I shake things up. He asked me who I was writing for. He very lovingly insulted me, but maybe he's right. I started writing for me and for others to know that they weren't alone in wanting to become better. To make sure I wasn't alone. To challenge myself to my potential and to suggest that if I can do it, anyone can do it.
   Apparently, that's not coming across, or it's not intetesting or relevant. So, I'm going to continue with my plan to stop writing the blog. No one but my brother is reading it anyway, and it does read like a "self-unprovement Bridget Jones's Diary." (as was pointed out to me) 
   Of course I could just try to take the constructive criticsm and put in more effort to change or improve. Or just tell him to fuck off, but I think this is maybe just something that I keep to myself. Because honestly, who cares if I can be a vegetarian, save money, or get promoted? No one. Just me. So thank you, five people who read this, I appreciate your support, but I think it's time to throw in the blogging towel. At least until I have something more relevant to blog about.

Audition

   As you may or may not know, I'm an actor.  Well, at least I'm trying to be. When I got an agent last year back I was really excited! I got new headshots and quickly booked a print job for a local community college! My face was all over commuter trains, the web site for the school and their printed material! I thought I would be rolling in audutions and jobs! I was mistsken.
     This is a tough business and Portland is a tough market. While you have an agent you still need to look for projects on your own and take classes to remain sharp and hone your skills.  I did small parts in local commercials, I auditioned for plays at local theaters. I took acting classes. All good work and experience, but nothing "big." I finally got a part in a play and was cat as the understudy for a second play, and I was stoked. Then I had to drop out because my new schedule at work made it impossible to make rehearsals. I was devastated!
     This business is not for the weak! It's incredibly emotionally and physically draining. And though it's one of the only things that gives me pure joy; I thought of dropping it all together. I figured I'd focus on reality, just work and stop dreaming. So, I stopped going to classes and workshops, and let go of my dream.
     Last month I was bit again by the acting bug. A friend told me about audutions for the musical "Hairspray", and for some reason I jumped. I hadn't auditioned got a musical since high school, but I thought, "what the hell?" So, I did it. I was sure that I wasn't going to get called back but I did!  I loved it! And though I didn't get the part, I had a great fine and net some amazing people! Plus, I was reminded of my love of performing.
     A few weeks later, my agent called with an audition for a television show filmed here in Portland! I auditioned, and again thought that I wouldn't get called back, but I did!  As we speak, I'm anxiously waiting to hear if I've got the role or not. I really want this part, but even if I don't get it, this was a huge step fmkor me. Getting to read in front of Portland's top casting director and a Hollywood director, is major!!!
     And what's more major is that I realized that I can't give up on my dream. No one can. Yes, we have to be patient, hear a lot of "no," and work our butts off, but we can't give up!  Even if I don't make a living as an actress, I love it, and will continue to preform wherever I can.
    
And as for this recent role? I'll keep you posted.....!

-Eb

California. Birthday. Love.

   Currently, I'm cruising at 36,000 feet over the Pacific Ocean on the way back to Portland. This past weekend I got another fourth of the way closer to achieving my goal of visiting 4 friends who don't live in Portland. I went to visit my friend 'Chaz' in sunny CA.  It was awesome!!
   As you can probabaly tell from previous posts, I needed to get away and get some sun!  I requested this time off months ago not really knowing where I wanted to go, but as the time approached I thought: Vegas or visit Chaz in CA. The closer I got the choice was clear; a visit to a great friend is a no-brainer. So, I got a hold of my buddy, asked if he wanted any company, and booked a flight!
   When I took the time off originally, I had planned on doing something epic for my birthday (which was April 2nd).  But as the time crept up I realized that I wasn't in the mood to party this year. I hate planning my own birthday, and had been feeling low about turning 34 (yes, 34). And when I considered going to see Chaz I thought he would the perfect person to hang with since he's not that big on birthdays. Turns out, he was.
    Chaz isn't the biggest planner, but he had help from his girlfriend, who suggested going to a brewery (which we did Friday night), and Knott's Berry Farm on Saturday. Neither he nor she knew that it was my birthday on Saturday until I told them Friday night. He felt bad that he didn't remember, but hey, he's a guy! ;) Plus, I didn't want to make a big deal, so I didn't mind. Well when Saturday arrived, I realized that I was excited and really happy to spend the day with him at Knott's. But here's the kicker; I wasn't sure about spending the day with him and his girlfriend at Knott's.
   For those who don't know, I used to be in love with Chaz. He and I are great friends from the time we met clicked and always had a great time together. When he moved back to Portland, we became very close and spent many, many hours together. Over last summer, I fell in love. Unfortunately, he did not. Unrequited love is a difficult thing to experience, but we got through it and remained friends. Our friendship was too important to let anything destroy it, even my broken heart.
    For months after I told him my feelings, we carried on and stayed as close as ever. However, we would have to go through another big hit: he got a job in California. The weeks proceeding Chaz's departure were hectic and bittersweet. And when I watched him drive the moving van away, my heart broke again. I was going to miss my friend. He's come to visit Portland a few times, and we've been good about keeping in touch. My feelings faded over the months, and I was happy and relieved that I had survived another heartache!
    I wasn't expecting anything to happen in this trip except to hang and catch up with my friend, but when he mentioned he had a girlfriend (he mentioned she was helping him plan cool stuff to do), my heart skipped a beat. It's always hard to meet the person someone you loved's new partner. I have to say that seeing them together really tested the kind of person I am and what I'm capable of handling. Seeing him act the way with her I wish he would have with me was definitely tough, but I'm happy to say that I'm happy for them. Honestly and truly. I'm so glad that he's got a great job, apartment, and wonderful girlfriend who is a sweet and fun person.
     With all that I've been struggling with, I thought I'd be bitter. I thought it would be impossible for me to be happy for someone else's success and joy when I'm struggling so hard with mine. I'm so relieved to find out that I'm stronger than I thought, and my heart, though it has been broken many times is still capable of being generous and open.
    As I write this I'm tearing up a bit from pain, joy, relief, and hope. I've been in love 5 times and had my heart broken 4. I thought I couldn't survive another one. That I would just shut down, and be afraid to try again. Through first love, unrequited love, long-distsnce love, and love at first sight, I've been through the ringer! I'm so glad that through seeing my darling friend in a relationship with a great girl didn't make me angry or resentful. I'm so excited that I'm not someone who would be jealous or bitter. It took seeing them to help me remember who I am. Jealous and bitter just isn't my style! :)
    It's funny the things that wake you up. The strange way that God, or the universe, fate, or dumb luck puts you in one place and where you end up on the other side.  Though it was hard to see them together, I'm a better person for it, and I'm sooo happy for him. It feels good to be able to say that. I know that he's not the one for me, but I have restored hope that there's someone out there who is.
    So here's to California, birthdays,  and Chaz!  I had an amazing visit and a fantastic birthday!  I've been revived and can't wait for my next adventure in life and love. I'm looking forward to finding love #6. Who knows, maybe he'll be the last.   :)

-Eboni

A Slight Shift

     One of my resolutions is to save $2011 by 2011. Yeah, that's not going to happen... Rather, I think it needs to be altered. I think insead of saving such a high amount, I should save less, but get out if debt... for good.  This is going to be a challenge and has forced some really hard choices. I'm pretty sure I can't afford my apartment anymore. I will have to move back in with my mom for a while. I was taking to my friend, Nikki, and told her I saw this as a defeat our a move backward. But she said that anything I can do to get out if debt us a step forward, and the last thing I want is to be under the thumb of debt collectors. She's right. And as much as I want and have tried to make it on my own, I've made some bad choices and big mistskes money-wise, and I need help.
     The funny thing is, in the grand scheme if debt, I'm not that bad off. The problem is that I'm not making enough to pay things off, and pay for my place, and car, and insurance, and food... You get the picture. I owe $1254 to a shrink that didn't really help me. $1073 for a ticket from 2003 that was originally $403, which they let me renew my license with regardless of it being outstanding and didn't tell me it existed until 2 months ago when I got a ticket for a tail light being out. I owe $900 or so on a loan I took out, $500 to my credit card company, and the monthly expenses of living. The total debt is less than $5000, but it feels like the weight of the world, and that every time I start to pay one thing off another rears its ugly head. 
     So, I'll have one final fun trip (to California). Two more months in my place. Then move in with my mom, at age 34 to try yo get my shit together. People say that it takes courage to ask for help. It doesn't feel like courage, it feels like defeat. Maybe I won't feel that way after a while. Maybe I'll feel better. But right now I feel like I've failed. Like there's some part if me that's inherently damaged. Well, I mean, I know there is. I'm just desperately trying to fix it.
     Hence, the new goal is to get completely out of debt, and save $678 by the end of the year. I think still a noble goal. Of course it will probably change other resolutions as well, such as work, instruments, and travel, but I'll deal with that as it comes....

Better

    I just found out a friend on mine if pregnant with her third child. This should be exciting and happy news but I find myself crying. Bawling, actually.  Not because I want kids myself, but because I feel left behind.     I feel like all my friends are having these great lives. They're getting married, having kids, getting great jobs, starting companies, travelling, or changing the world. And I'm....not. I feel like im behind in the race, and there is no way to catch up. My friends are lawyers, entrepeneurs, mothers, cops, engineers, teachers, artists and film makers and most of them are younger than me. 
     I'm 33 (34 on Apr 2), single, live alone, and have a mediocre entry-level job at a call center (despite having a BA). Although I'd like to think that I have some talent, I'm just remotely good some things here and there.  Just good enough to be entertaining, but not successful. When I stop to look at myself, I think, "is this it!?" And the saddest thing is, this IS it! 
     In spite of being behind, I'm aware that I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, but what I'm most thankful for are the amazing people I get to call friends. Half the time I have no idea why you want me in your lives!  I'm totally the deadbeat friend. I'm broke all the time, and I'm awful at keeping in touch, and constantly am upset or complaining about something. I know we all feel this way some times, but I feel like this every day. And the worst part is I feel stuck. I feel like no matter what I try I can't get any better. I audition, I pay bills, I work, I practice, I date, I apply. But only to end up no further along.  I'm tired.  My heart aches.
     That being said, I'm glad I started this project, and that at least a few if you stop in from time to time to see what's new. But mostly I'm glad that it's forced me to be honest with myself. And though it may seem like a self-loathing, pity-party, rant, it's honestly how I feel. 
       It may seem that I'm being dramatic, or it's it's the looming birthday, or that I need stronger meds, (all of which I've considered), but it's not. It's unabashed soul-searching.  I'm trying everything I can to figure out how not  to feel this way anymore. Which is truly ( I've discovered three months into the project) what this blog, these Resolutions, are all about. How to not be this person. How to become more. How to feel better. How to be. Better.

-eb

The Lull

    As you may have noticed, I haven't posted in a while. Do far my "career" as a blogger has been a bit lack luster. The thing about it is: life is pretty boring! After school, before weddings and kids, there seems to be this lull, where not much happens! We don't meet a lot of new people we don't have finals, dances, sporting events, or extra cirricular events to take part in or talk about. We just have ourselves.
   Yes, that's a bit of an over-generalization, but for the most part it's true. However, I'm going to break the mold. That's really over of the main goals of this project: to escape the lull. To have something to report. So first, an update on where I'm at with the 9:

1. Save $2,012 by 2012
         Uh, this one is not going do well. I think mainly because most of my other resolutions require money!

2. Visit 4 friends or family members who don't live in Portland
          So far this is going well! I visited my darling friend, Bridget in fabulous Pasco, WA in February, and I'm going to visit my friend, Mike in two weeks in sunny San Clemente, CA!  That leaves only two other visits!

3. Be vegetarian for one year at least
      Going VERY well!  There have been time where all I wanted was a burger, but I have refrained. I ferl better and I'm spending way less money on food, and I'm helping the planet! Yay!

4. Re-do apartment and keep it clean
   The apartment is great. It's a but on the dirty side right now, but not so much that I'd be embarassed to have someone over. I still need to get done things to the Goodwill, but I love my place!

5. Mange this blog
     For the most part, had been good as well. Had a bit of a blank period, but I'm back!

6. Learn two new instruments
      So, the cello and the bass are expensive, even used. But I will get them and will learn. I think bass first then cello. We shall see....

7. Volunteer for a charity
     Still have not decided where to volunteer. I'm thinking of the Chuldren's Cancer Association, or Habitat for Humanity. I will choose and start after my trip to Cali.

8. Visit 1 country I haven't visited before
     I've been invited to go to Peru in November. If I save money, I will go...

9. Stay at current job and get promoted
     Ugh! Honestly, other than saving money, this is the hardest one! I'm not doing something I love and while in thankful to have a job, and I love the company, I really need to be doing something else. But I'm sticking with it for nite. But honestly, if something else comes up I'm going for it! 

Ok, so you're up to date, and the lull is officially over! More to come!

-Eb
PS  Below are some pictures of what I've been doing in "The Lull."

Help! $ave!

Money is ridiculous. Think about it: a piece of paper or a specially shaped piece of metal is worth food our shelter or a new pair of shoes. But we can't eat it or live in it our wear it. And now money is mostly electronic. It's a concept that we never really even see or touch anymore.  Our dependance on money has taken away or ability to do things. We have become do cerebral and virtual that as a culture we don't know how to do much of anything but think. Even our relationships are becoming "concepts." How many of us actually know how to grow, build, sew, cook? 

These thoughts pass through my overaught brain as I pay rent or my phone bill every month. The sad thing is, as much as I would like to think I have enough skills to survive the zombie apocolypse (or any other kind :), I, like most of us, am completely dependant on money. And also like many if us, I don't make very much, and save even less. 

As you know, one of my resolutions this year is to save $2011by the end of the year. Yeah... that's not going so well. I suck, really suck with writing to do with money. I hate that it's necessary, but love it when I have it. I'm in awe if anyone who can save. How do you do it? What are the secrets? I mean, I've got the basics down of saving bit by bit, and little changes one can make tho their lifestyle, but how can one change their attitude about money? 

For me, money is to be spent: on food, shelter, bills, booze, shoes, trips, gifts....  I know that if I save I can afford more of these things, but I find that in the rare instance that I have money after paying the necessities, I want to enjoy the rest! And if I'm going to spend my money on afore mentioned items, why should I wait? Yes there are emergencies snd unforseen costs, but why save?  How do I tell myself to wait and to think of those inforseen maybes?  I suppose I could answer my own question, but I'd like some outside assistance. For those of you who have managed and are still managing to save: how do you do it!?

-Eb

Love to the Ladies

As you can probabaly tell, I've been feeling a bit down lately. Work, money, guys, and other various things have gotten the best of me. I went to a friend's birthday the other night and realized what I needed to shake off my blues.

For those who know me, you're aware that I have a lot of guy friends. I meet and get along well with the opposite sex a bit easier than I do with ladies. The funny thing is that that was not always the case. When I was younger, I had a ton of girlfriends. I think it was my junior year of high school that I started having more guys than girls in my life. It was then that drama surrounding dating and boys threatened, and even ruined several friendships. 

I hated the way we ladies treated each other and acted when we got together in large groups. I couldn't stand the gossip, rumors, talk of insecurities, and backstabbing that came along with being female. Most of all, I didn't like that I participated in all of it. I didn't like who I became.  So I adopted a new group of mostly guys, and didn't look back. Sure, I kept in touch with my girls, and still hung from time to time. But through the rest of high school and college, I mostly was one of the guys.

Only recently have I begun to yearn for the company of my close lady friends. I forgot the ease and comfort of chatting with the girls. I forgot that there are some things that can only be really discussed with, or appreciated by a woman. Most of all, I forgot how fucking amazing my girlfriends are! They have great jobs, are mothers and wives, they travel, are creative and talented, and most of all, they love and put up with me no matter what.

I'm nut saying that my guys aren't amazing too, but there's somethings you just can't do with the boys. What sucks for me is that most of my ladies are far, far away. So, yesterday,on a whim, I drove to beautiful Pasco,WA to see my darling friend, Bridget. She, Mandy, and I drank wine, talked about our lives (the good and the bad), and had a dance party in the living room! Sure, I probabaly could do that with a guy, but it wouldn't have been the same. I need my time with my ladies. And besides, I'm tired of being a friend-girl (but that's a whole other entry).

This trip to see my girl Bridge was not only one fourth of my "visit 4 friends" resolution, it was a wake up call, and a much needed comfort, reassurance, and brought me back from a dark and lonely place. Thank you Bridge, I love you and miss you already! To my ladies in Portland, we've GOT together more often. My place is always available for wine drinking and living room dance parties!

-Eb

Apartment Love

I've been obsessed with my apartment lately.  It's been moret that a fun project; it's become my main focus. I clean, arrange, manage, sort, and style it on an almost nightly basis.  This is awesome for a few reasons: cleaning is a work out, I can have friends over without being embarassed, and my place is somewhere I LOVE spending time in. 

With all the good, there are a few down sides. I used to love to go out, but recently I've been turning down invitations from friends. Partly because I'm feeling old and don't have energy, but mainly because I just want to sit on my couch in my beautiful apartment and watch my Netflix.  Another dowside is that I think my apartment frenzy is just one addiction replacing another. Well, at least this is a constructive addiction as opposed to drinking, smoking, and/or eating.

I need to make sure I'm not hiding in my projects. I need to focus on the positive aspects of my resolutions and not let them be the cause or excuse for me not particpating in other important aspects of life.  That being said, you've got to come over sometime....

Eboni

Anti-Social Network

I've been feeling very down recently. So much so that I even posted a melt down on Facebook. I'm all for having fun, and even sometimes getting personal or political on social networks, but I definitely think there is such a thing as TOO much information.  I rarely post about polirics, religion, or my relationships. And if I hint at them, it's song lyrics, or so,something ambiguous, so that only that person or my closet friends know what's up.  Well, at least that's the way I used to be.  Recently, that bounry has been dissolving one post at a time.  And after my recent freakout (and after watching "The Social Network" with Laura), I decided that I needed to take a break.

So, a few days into my facebook hiatus, I've been trying to figure out why the boundry has been dissolving and why I'm freaking out.  After considering work, money, food, and home I realized that I'm lonely.  Lonely, sad, and uncomfortably restless.  I really want to have someone special in my life. I want a partner, someone to come home to. I want a love.

I swore to myself that when I started this, I wouldn't write about guys, or dating, or relationships, but when it's affecting my whole mental and emotional health, writing about it gets unavoidable.   In response to my facebook freakout, a friend of mine emailed me and applauded me for getting pissed off.  He mentioned that he doesn't do it enough, wished he would allow himself to more often.  We sent a few emails back and forth about our issues with self and with others, and he asked me why I thought I was to blame for my bad luck in love.  I replied saying that I'm the constant.  I'm the only thing that is the same thing in every failed love disaster I've been through.

So there it is: I'm a mess.  I'm the problem. I'm crazy, demanding, emotional, dramatic, stubborn, judgemental, and impatient. I can't imagine who in his right mind would ever want to be with me.  I was telligng a different guy friend of mine that I honestly think I will be single my whole life.  He responded by saying that I am amazing, and that I will find someone. The funny thing is that coming from him (a man I was previously in love with and who didn't love me back), that felt like a punch in the stomach. I wasn't saying that because I was fishing for compliments. I said it because I did, and still do, believe it. Not eveyone gets marriedd or falls in love forever. Some of us will im fact be alone.

Most of the time, I'm okay with this. I'm good on my own, and am used to being single. But every once in a while I wish there was someone. The worst is when I dain to try to date and end up heartbroken and feel more alone than before.  I know damn well exactly how it will end up. And yet, like Sysiphous before me, I keep pushing that fucking rock back up the hill, only to have it roll back down again. The smarr person woudld just say fuck it, light a smoke, take a seat and lean against that rock and call it a day!  Guess I'm not very smart.  At least not smart in love.

Anyway, I guess I needed to vent because I feel a bit better. Of course, no one will read this because I can'n post a link on facebook.  Damn! 

Eboni

Me vs. Corporate Me

I've had a slew of jobs from restaurants, coffee places, and telemarketing to museums, car rentals, radio and teaching. I've loved a few and hated most. I've found, as many of you probably have, that the jobs I love I can't make much money at, and vice versa. The one exception to that rule was my teaching job in Japan, which I loved, and paid decently, but I lived in Japan and wasn't ready to stay there the rest of my life. I've found that with me and jobs, I don't stay happy for very long, or there is some reason that I have to change up. The longest job that I've had lasted 4 years. I can't even imagine doing the same thing for a lifetime. I think that may have to do with my short attention span, and partially due to wanting to really REALLY love what I do. I want one of those jobs where you say, "I am a _____," not, "I work for____." And I'm constantly searching for that thing.

My desire to do something I love, and also have something stable (monetary and benefits) is an ongoing battle. At the beginning of the year, when I made these resolutions, I decided that I need to stay put. No more jumping around, searching on job sites all the time, plotting for my escape abroad. NO! I would stay, work hard and get promoted. This, for me, is not that simple. I've been at my current job with Netflix now for 9 months, and I've been doing well. My supervisor has been saying that he's going to develop me for the next level so that when they are hiring for that position, I'll be ready to go. He's been saying that for months. We've done a bit of development, but over the holidays things got nutty and we really haven't done much since.

Since then, I've been told I'm sassy, I've been told that I don't take feedback the "right way," and that I should feel free to ask questions and challenge things, but just in (again) the "right way." So, I said to my supervisor, "So, I'll get promoted, if I just don't act like me?" He was like, no, but yes, but no. Basically, he's not taking the time to work with me, I'm getting frustrated, and my personality is under fire. Needless to say, January has not been a fun month work wise.

I've been thinking a lot about surviving in a corporate career, and it occurred to me that people like me who naturally have a repulsion to corporate culture have to have two personalities. Me and Corporate Me. I need to just shut out the part of me that wants to be independent, creative, and free, and embrace my inner "yes man." I'm going into February with a whole new attitude. I'm thinking of Corporate Me as a role in a movie that I'm playing. This way, I'll have fun with it, and since I think I'm not a half-bad actor, I will be able to pull off the role and be convincing!

I still want to get promoted, and be successful, and I hope this is the company that happens with, but I have to be honest. I feel like a part of me is giving in. Like I'm letting go of my dreams. I'm sure a lot of people have gone or are going through this. And it's very bittersweet. But in the end, I think it's what's best. At least I hope so....

Use Your Anger; Just Don't Give Into the Dark Side

Another amazing cleaning day yesterday! I was actually having a crappy day, and turned my anger and frustration into energy to clean. My place looks crazy because I moved all the furniture to one side and took out loads a crap the was mucking it up. Going to clean carpets and then move everything back. I have a new organizer to store documents that I'm going to assemble, and move everything I need into it. Also, I'm re-doing the dining and finishing the bathroom. Tomorrow, I'll move on to my scary bedroom, and get rid of all the clothes and nick-knacks I don't need, and if I have the energy I'm going to build the dresser from Ikea that I've have for over a year!

I have taken "before" pictures and will take "after" ones when I'm all finished, so you'll be able to see the differences! It's going to be awesome. Stay tuned....

-Eb

What about BACON!?

As you know, one of my goals for this year is to be vegetarian for the year (at least). This has already started a sensation. I posted on my facebook that I wanted to know some good vegetarian or vegan restaurants to check out, and received and overwhelming amount of responses. Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who responded. Most of the responses were very supportive and helpful, but a few were not quite on board with me yet. WHAT ABOUT BACON!? That is one of the first question many people ask, and the second is, "Why?" So, here we go...

First, I LOVE bacon. I do! How can you not? It's salty, fatty goodness and it goes with pretty much everything! I love its smell in the morning with coffee and toast. I love it on burgers. I love it wrapped around various foods, in salads, and just on its own. However, there are downsides to bacon. As I said on Facebook, I will miss bacon, I will not miss high cholesterol and love handles! I'm not saying I won't miss its yummy goodness, but come on, I can TOTALLY live without bacon. It's only been a week, so in a month maybe I'll be singing a different tune. But so far so good. And for you bacon lovers, the less I eat, the more there is for you! :)

Second, WHY!? Most of my friends living in Portland living "the dream of the 90's", are very supportive of the move and totally understand the many positives of being vegetarian. However, not everyone is on the veggie boat. Ive found a lot of negative reactions such as: where are you going to get protein, and it's not that great of the environment, it's really expensive, and dude, I love steak, you're nuts! To the nay sayers I say this: it's better for me, it's better for the earth, it's yummy, and most of all, I'm doing it to see if I can!

This year is about challenges for me, to make myself better and to have a better impact on the wold around me. Only 7% of the world's population is vegetarian. Think of what could happen if more of us were! Less farmland, less waste, less obesity (unless you eat pasta and cheese all day every day). That being said, I know being vegetarian is not for everyone, and I'm not pushing an agenda. I'm doing it for me. I eat crap and I don't take care of myself the way I should. In just the week that I've been veggie I have stopped eating crap fast food, take time to plan meals, and think about what's going into my body, I have more energy, and feel more motivated to exercise.

Of course, this is week one, so I'm sure my gung-ho-ness will change over time. But I'm very happy about this decision, and for the most part, everyone has been supportive and happy for me too. My dear, dear friend Nikki even made me a 5 course meal last week that was AMAZING, and would make even the most meat loving maniac respect the the veggie! I want to thank here again here for going way above and beyond and being such a great friend.

Since I can't eat at Nikki's every night, I'm going to try to eat at a new vegetarian restaurant in Portland (or where ever I am) and post my findings in the blog. I'm going to at least one per month, but if money allows, I will do it by-weekly. I'll let you know where I ate, what I ate, how service and price were as well. If anyone one wants to come with me on my adventure, you are more the welcome. There will be broccoli, but NO BACON! :)

-Eb

Mess and Mania

One thing you may not know about me is that I'm a terrible house keeper. To say that I'm not the tidiest person in the world is a bit of on understatement. A wicked understatement! I'm a mess! My apartment is usually in disarray, and I seldom have people over. Until recently this hasn't bothered me very much, but it's starting to cramp my style. I love to have people around, and it's embarrassing to not be able to because my place is unsuitable for human inhabitants. Right before the holidays is when I finally reached my breaking point...

The end of October was a bit hard for me. A really good friend moved away, some new and amazing friends went home to Europe, and after an amazing trip to New York I came back to Portland to find myself very alone. I hate goodbyes, and having to say so many of them in such a short period of time took a heavy toll. Another thing you don't know about me, is that a few years ago I was diagnosed with Bi-polar II. Bi-polar has it's ups and downs (pun not intended), and one of the major downsides is the paralyzing depression. My depressive spells go hand in hand with my uber-messy spells. I mean, who wants to clean when you barely even want to get out of bed!? So, needless to say, along with this depressive spell (which lasted until just before Christmas), I didn't clean. Yes, a dish here, some laundry there, but nothing major. My apartment is a DISASTER!

The up side to bi-polar is that when focused (which is difficult, but not impossible), the manic periods can sometimes be times of great clarity, focus, creativity, and motivation. (If you can manage to keep from bouncing off the walls). The other night, I came home and had had enough!!! I scrubbed the bath and shower, toilet, kitchen sink, floors and changed the linens on my bed. And I when I say scrubbed, I mean, you can EAT off the surfaces! I was at for for a few hours before I called it a night. Now, there is still a ways to go, but I feel SO much better about my place! Now all that's left is to get all the junk (papers, old clothes, and stuff I don't use) out, and build shelves from Ikea I got in August, and sell or donate my old shelves and coffee table.

My goal for my apartment is not only to keep it clean, but make it a home. Since I was 18 I moved almost every year of my life. I was a nomad. I hated moving, but loved the idea of somewhere new and the freedom of having nothing really tying me to a place. But recently, I've found that not having roots is kind of depressing. I mean, I don't even have pictures on the walls. I've lived in my apartment almost three years, and have never really settled in. So, that's what I'm going to do: hang pictures, get internet, re-arrange, and really, REALLY make a home. I think it's a scary part of growing up that I've avoided for a long time: moving away and really starting to think of your own place (not your parents place) as home. It's high time I hit that 'gorn-up" benchmark!

I will keep you posted as to how the home is coming, and the fun and frustrations along the way. Also, I will keep up updated on the mental stuff from time to time as well. It was a hard thing to face when diagnosed, and even harder and to share with others. I won't necessarily talk about it all the time, but it's a part of me (as is this blog, and now all of you), so I'll keep you in the loop.

Oh! And for those of you who can make it, I will be having a house re-warming party when the initial make-over is complete! Stay tuned!

-Eb

If you're interested, here are some other good bi-polar links:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/DS00356
http://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/slideshow-bipolar-disorder-overview
http://www.amazon.com/Good-Books-About-Bipolar-Disorder/lm/RTBXSPXKXRYBB

Resolution 9

So, here it is; the end of another year and the beginning of another. Every year we get pumped about the start of something new and the chance to beginning again. We're filled with the hope and motivation to really change our lives, and to make it better! we resolve to work out more, eat less, spend less, spend time with our families and other such cliches. But let's face it, most resolutions never make it past March! I think the only resolution I've actually kept in was 1998 when I resolved too see 100 films made in that year (very expensive, but fun).

This year, I wanted to do something different. I wanted to make tangible goals and challenges, and ACTUALLY achieve them. The thing is, I've said this many years on the past, so what will make this year different. Well, in the immortal and very very true words of A. Einstein "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I'm TIRED of the same old thing. I"m tired of letting my shortcomings determine who I am, and most of all I'm tire of not living up to my potential. I was tired to the point of not wanting to wake up anymore. So 9 resolutions instead of 1. And to back up my determination, I decided to blog about it.

This blog is in place to be honest about who I am, what I want, and the frustrations, joys, setbacks, downfalls, and successes on my journey through 2011 to become not only a better me, but to be better to and for those around me. With all that in mind, you're probably wondering what I will be blogging about. I've set challenges and goals (resolutions) to help modify things I don't like about myself and to enhance the things I do. Some challenges are there to see if I can do it, others are more of like marks I'd like to hit. But all are achievable. So, what needs adjusting? See below.....

Positives: creative, talented, adventurous

Negatives:
Bad with money, indecisive (specifically about career), bad at keeping in touch, self-centered, overweight/unhealthy, little follow-through, messy

Yes, the negatives column is much longer than the positives, but hey, aren't we all our worst critics?And besides, the resolutions are in place to tip the scales, and without further ado, here (in no particular order) are the Resolutions 9:

1. Save $2,012 by 2012 (money)
2. Visit 4 friends or family members who don't live in Portland (stay in touch)
3. Be vegetarian for one year at least (overweight/unhealthy)
4. Re-do apartment and keep it clean (messy)
5. Mange this blog (creative)
6. Learn two new instruments (talented)
7. Volunteer for a charity (self-centered)
8. Visit 1 country I haven't visited before (adventurous)
9. Stay at current job and get promoted (indecisive)


In the coming weeks I'll break down the reason for each resolution. I will update the blog at least weekly about the progress of each category. If nothing really interesting has occurred I won't bore you with the details. I will be honest, sometimes painfully so, because I believe that no progress can occur without truth. Thank you for joining me on this journey. I hope that it will be fun, thought-provoking, interesting, and inspiring!

-Eb